Babies, Keep 'Em Coming

A few days ago I tweeted about Yitta Schwartz, a Holocaust survivor who had 16 children, and as the New York Times tribute put it, put her "thumb in the eye of the Nazis." How? By leaving behind 2,000 descendants when she died at 93. 2,000!

By virtue of saying yes to the blessing of children, she "may have generated one of the largest clans of of any survivor of the Holocaust."

I think she's a hero. Not everyone does. Someone commented on my tweet with, "Most people don't believe having 2000 living descendents at the time of your death is a good thing. We're not rats & cats."

I'm not surprised by such sentiments, just saddened. In our anti-natalist culture, it's tempting to look at babies as consequences to be avoided. But that's not how God sees them. Psalm 127:3-5 says,

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior are the children of one’s youth. Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them! He shall not be put to shame when he speaks with his enemies in the gate.

It's not easy having a lot of kids. We just got back from a long visit with family where 10 of the 12 cousins were all together. It was busy, and noisy, and not always easily managed (to say the least). But in the messiness, was beauty.

Wedding Fantasy, and Reality

I used to dream about what my wedding would be like; down to the yellow roses in my bouquet and dark grey morning coat of the groom's tuxedo. I was 12. It was fun to think about what might be. Anything and everything is possible when it's in your imagination, with only a stack of bride magazine to fuel the dream. Nothing as pesky as a budget to get in the way of that designer silk shantung gown.

It's a lot harder to make your dreams come true when faced with the limits of how much money you actually have to spend. Especially when family and friends have expectations of a huge guest list. And you don't. That's the setup for today's Boundless Answers column, Wedding Woes. The questioner writes,

We are set to get married in April 2010 but the money and family demands are driving us crazy. Initially we had agreed on a small wedding of up to 50 people, but as time went by and our families have been involved, this has grown to 200 guests and the budget is not what we can meet. We still want to honor our parents and invite all our relatives but it's becoming too expensive.

Thankfully this is both problem and opportunity with lots of room to resolve the conflict and improve the relationships. You can read my full reply here.

As for my own wedding, some of what I dreamt came true. But despite all the details that didn't match my girlhood dream -- for budget reasons, as well as changes in styles -- the real thing was much better than I had imagined. And that had everything to do with the man I married.

And you know that grey coat? It's the very one Steve picked out for his tuxedo!

An Update on the List of Thirty

One of the most encouraging inclusions in Get Married was the story about my friend Sharon's decision to ask 29 of her close friends to join her in dedicated prayer for husbands. The group of 30 agreed to begin in January of 2006. When they started, all of the women were single. Since then, I've periodically checked in with Sharon for an update on how the women are doing. And as of her latest report, sent Sunday, the list of marrieds is growing.

As for the list from what I know from people there are 15 married, 1 engaged and 4 dating. It was fun looking through the list and thinking about all the women and the vastly different stories God has written for all of us. I wish more women could see it and experience it to know there is not just one way to meet a man, that there are still amazing men out there and they are well worth the wait, even if it takes into your thirties. Oh, and there are 5 babies and 1 on the way (as far as I know).

I was encouraged by her update. I hope you will be, too!

The Fifth Day of Christmas

I used to sing The Twelve Days of Christmas like any kid, always getting mixed up about the maids-a-milking and lords-a-leaping, after the five-go-old-rings. But I never knew that the first day of Christmas is actually December 26. Till now. I've been reading (and loving) Walter Wangerin's Preparing for Jesus this Advent and Christmas season. The book has a chapter for each day of December and on into January, up until the Twelfth Day of Christmas. Today's reading was about Simeon. If you've never had something to guide you through Advent, this is a wonderful book to consider!

Thanks to the inscription on the inside flap, I know this is my fourth attempt to read the book through. And for the first time, I'm eager, and expecting, to make it to the end. It's not the book's fault, just the busyness that can sap my good intentions!

You know how it is, with all those packages to mail to out-of-town family.

Not to mention all the baking that had to happen before we could mail the packages.

Although, actually, well, ah, those cookies were the ones my sister sent to us. And so it was that we were eating the cookies we were making to send out as gifts as well as the ones we were receiving in the mail.

Somehow we did manage to get enough baking done to fill our bellies as well as those of our loved ones. This year our favorite (and most re-made) cookies were the mint chocolate ones. I was craving peppermint all month long! How about you? What was your favorite baked treat — sweet or salty — that you made or received?

When Is a Good Time to Have Kids?

Chelsey emailed us the week before her wedding. She wanted to let us know she'd read Start Your Family, and in her words,

We had been unsure about whether or not we would use birth control. I don't want to take the pill, and honestly, we didn't want to use birth control at all, but we are on a limited, though sufficient, income, and we didn't know if it was 'wise.' Your book, along with the wise counsel of our pastor, was such an encouragement.

Recently she wrote again with an update. I asked her if she'd write a version for the blog. And graciously, she agreed. Here's what she had to say,

My husband and I got married in April, almost three years to the day after we started dating. I had been 23 for a month; he was 22.

During our pre-marital counseling, our pastor reiterated what we already wanted so desperately to believe: that God is the giver of life and that whatever our best laid plans may be, He was the one who would ultimately determine when our family should start.

We had talked about wanting to have kids right away with our friends and families, but the word was almost always the same, based on our plans for the future: your early twenties is not a good time to have kids; right after marriage is a not a good time to have kids; when you’re in seminary is not a good time to have kids; when you’re on the mission field is not a good time to have kids. We were left wondering—when is a good time to have kids?

We couldn’t answer that, and neither could anyone else. So we decided that we would let God decide when was a good time for us to start having babies. It didn’t take long to find out. His good timing appears to be sometime next February, which means our ten-week-old son will be celebrating our one-year wedding anniversary along with us.

Since God softened our hearts in this area, there have been times of fear and doubting. Did we make the right decision? Is everything going to turn out OK? In response to these anxieties, God has proven to be the God of Psalm 94:18-19: “When I thought, ‘My foot slips,’ your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.”

What have God’s consolations been for us? He provided me a job the day after we got back from our honeymoon, which has allowed us to build up our savings account. He has us in a church that values family and children. He recently gave my husband a new, better-paying job that will allow me to stay home with our little one.

I don’t know how many children God will ultimately give us, but whatever His plan, we are truly “tasting and seeing that the Lord is good” in allowing us to start our family when He did.

Congratulations Chelsey and Christian. Thank you for letting us rejoice with you!

Be Open to Opportunities

Yesterday, I mentioned the role books played in my romance with Steve. When he started talking books the first time we met, I was smitten. I love to read (mostly non-fiction), and meeting a man with a shared passion was thrilling. (Some of you may be wondering how anyone could use the words "passion," "books," and "thrilling" in the same sentence!) Thankfully, not everyone has to find books thrilling. That initial spark can be well, sparked, by all sorts of things. In the case of Kevin and Suzanne (our friends who came over last night for coffee), it was a wrist-encircling strip of leather with a few colored beads. I met Suzanne back in 2004 when I was editing Boundless. She submitted an article about surviving Christmas without the release of a new Lord of the Rings movie and when I finally got around to reading it (months after she sent it in), I liked it so much, I published it a few days later—evidence that letting email pile up unread can lead to missed opportunities!

Fast forward five years and forty-plus articles and you'll find Suzanne still writing for Boundless and helping single women have hope that God really is still in the business of making good matches. Talking with Suzanne and Kevin last night, I was reminded of God's creativity in forming new families. Their story is an encouragement to look with fresh eyes at opportunities you're tempted to write off— opportunities you may miss if you're not paying attention.

In the "Live Like You're Planning to Marry" chapter I write,

Steve looked different than the man I imagined I'd marry. When I first saw him I thought he was nice looking, but what really captured me was him. His intersts, his calling, his passion, his humor. All of him. And as we grew in friendship, I grew more attracted to his looks. (I know he'd say the same about me.)

Instead of asking, To whom as I attracted? start asking, Of my male friends, who would be a godly husband, strong partner, and good father? Thinking of men this way, yo might be surprised who captures your heart. Attraction isn't static. A man whose looks initially don't catch your eye may become a visual feast once you get to know his heart, his character, his personality. A face is just wrapping paper. You'd be a fool on Christmas day to discard gifts that had too much tape or reused bows, before you even looked to see what was inside. Sometimes the tackiest wrapping covers the best gift.

How We Met

I love hearing stories of how couples met. Whenever Steve and I host dinner parties, the question, "how did you meet?" is a staple for getting the conversation started.The answers, as varied as fingerprints, show God's creativity in bringing men and women together for marriage. Those stories renew my hope every time. God is the ultimate creative spirit; with the resources of the universe at His disposal. If ever there were a skilled matchmaker, HE IS IT!

Yesterday, as I posted an interview with Phil and Heather Joel, I was remembering their "how we met story." Phil was touring with the Newsboys and during one interview with a radio station in Kansas, he was told "there are only three mics in the studio." Since there were three Newsboys and one host, someone had to bow out. Phil did. It had everything to do with the cute receptionist out in the lobby.

Fast forward a bit and Phil is back on the road, a baggie of quarters in hand. This was pre-cell phones, people! He used the coins for payphone calls (do they even have those anymore?) to Heather. It's a great story. You can listen to the whole thing on the Boundless Show.

If you've read Get Married, you know how we met. It all started with a book. The first time Steve and I were introduced, the subject of books came up. In the course of conversation Steve mentioned he was reading Microserfs. As soon as I could—later that same day—I went and bought that book. I figured it was guaranteed conversation the next time we talked,

And we're still talking and reading books 14 years later.

We'll be asking the "how did you two meet?" question again tonight when Suzanne Hadley and her fiance Kevin come over for dessert. I'm intrigued by their story (older woman meets younger man at Starbucks) and eager to share more of it with you. Till then, you can read "A Year to Love" and be inspired by ongoing evidence of God's intimate involvement in "how we met."

And for the Bride and Groom: a Pacifier

News, and evidence, of delay abounds. People are getting married later and having babies later, as the graying moms pushing prams at the playground prove. But not everyone is following the ways of the culture around us. Our friends Ted and Ashleigh took a different path. She writes,

I grew up viewing the wedding reception as a time to celebrate a newly formed marriage, not a time to start thinking about having babies. But thanks to my dad, ours became both.

While other family members and friends toasted us with congratulations—recalling the past and wishing us the best for the future—my dad took his toast a step further. He ended with this exhortation, "And finally, I expect you to be faithful to obey the first command in all of Scripture, and that is to be fruitful and multiply." He then handed my new husband, Ted, a pacifier—a tangible reminder that in God's design marriage and children go hand in hand.

In the early months of our marriage, my mom continued where my dad left off. On a regular basis, she encouraged us not to put off having kids. As someone who had her own children early in life, she recognized the value of having children in your youth. And, since my husband was in his mid-30s, she knew the clock was already ticking for us.

My parents' encouragement, paired with our church culture where many couples where expecting babies within the first year and a half of marriage, changed my mindset. I went from believing it was good to wait several years before having kids (after all, I was still in my 20s and believed there was plenty of time for children), to being ready and willing to have them sooner. As a result, when we were surprised with pregnancy after being married only eight months, I felt ready. The news of a baby wasn't simply unexpected, but welcome.

Now six and half years after our wedding reception and my dad's toast, we're the parents of three children five years of age and younger. Each day as we look at these little faces, we are freshly grateful that we didn't put off starting our family.

Ashleigh isn't just living her convictions privately, she has a webzine dedicated to helping women at all stages of life embrace their faith and make it real in their lives. Her webzine, Ungrind, is an encouraging place with weekly articles, a blog and more.

Something Only God Could Orchestrate

I know a lot of single women who'd like to be married. I hear from them by email and at Boundless and my heart breaks for them—and if that describes you, for you. I wish it were easier to get married in this culture. But just because it isn't easy, doesn't mean it's impossible. I'm often wowed by the stories of God working in unlikely circumstances to bring redemption. The following is just one example of a marriage long desired and prayed for. I asked the author, Carmen, if I could share it with you. And so, with Carmen's blessing, here's her story. I hope it encourages you as much as it did me.

Hi Candace,

It was about a year and a half ago that I got my hands on your book Get Married. I'd just gotten out of a short-lived relationship and was bemoaning the fact that I was (again) single, asking myself, "Where are all the godly men?"

Your book, though, re-inspired me, teaching me to increase my expectation in God and the desire for a godly marriage that He'd placed on my heart. I began praying in a whole new way, sparking a fervor and love for prayer that I still hold deeply to. It was invigorating for me and I did as your book suggested—getting a group of other godly women together to read your book and pray for one another about getting married. (You had found my blog at one point where I talked about how much I enjoyed Get Married.)

In less than six months of praying this way and seeking God with this kind of anticipation, I met the most godly single man. Up to this point, so many of the Christian men I'd interacted with were hardly spiritual leaders, much less challenging my faith (in a positive, iron-sharpening-iron kind of way). So when I met this man, I was excited—only to find out that he was 5 years younger than me (I was 25, he was 20 and still in college). But having read your article on Boundless that encouraged women to compromise on the superficial and keep high standards when it comes to character/faith, I decided to step out in faith when he (out of the blue) asked me out on a date.

The beautiful thing about this is that this was the first time when I wasn't the one doing "the chasing" or flirting with him. I did my best to guard my heart—even trying to not sit by him when we'd chaperon youth group events because up to then I thought he had absolutely no interest and I didn't want to put my heart through any more "false hopes."

As it turns out, God was totally in control of this situation (surprise, surprise), and put it on his heart to ask me out. Nine months later, he proposed, and a week ago we got married. He is the most godly man I've ever met, and he is now my best friend and my husband. It's something that only God could orchestrate and I'm blown away even now as I remember how incredible of a journey it has been. Yes, we have our moments and marriage (even at this point) has been a very humbling experience—but that's been one of the great parts about it, that it's grown me so much and I know it will continue to. As much as I did want to get married, I knew it was more about who I married rather than just that I got married. And that's the part that I love the most—God brought that man (and so much more) to me!

I wanted to share this testimony to you as a way to say "thank you" for the message you've shared with my generation and also just as a way of praising God for the beautiful things He does each and every day, with this being among them. Thanks so much for stepping out in faith with this book; it really has challenged my faith and grown me for the better.

Best, Carmen

If you have a similar story of answered prayer, won't you share it? Please leave a comment or drop me an email.

Even the Shortest Lives

Since writing Start Your Family and trying to find new ways to get the word out about it, we've spent a lot of time reading Mom blogs and getting to know the awesome women behind them. In the process, we've discovered a whole universe of couples longing to be pregnant, grieving babies lost through miscarriage, agonizing over terminal diagnoses for babies in utero, and questioning why—in a culture where life is so cheap—they, who believe life is sacred, would lose their children so early. When reading their stories, It's impossible to miss the value of these lives cut short. For example, today I saw this—"71 Days"—on Greg Sponberg's blog. It's a tribute to his, and wife Nicol's, son Luke. (The song will be on Nicol's new solo project.)

Solomon said "He has set eternity in the hearts of men." That's never more true than when you lose a baby. Parents grieving the death of an infant long doubly for heaven. It is there we will finally hold the little ones who fled our arms too soon.

HT: @angelac519

A Conversation with Todd and Angie Smith

Last Friday I had the pleasure of interviewing Todd and Angie Smith (of Selah and Bring the Rain fame). They were at Focus on the Family for the monthly chapel service and agreed to give 30 minutes to the Boundless Show.

When we went into the studio, I was praying I'd be able to make it through the conversation without crying. Theirs is a story of great loss, as well as miraculous intervention--it's near impossible to read and hear about it without tearing up. We had a candid conversation about their fourth daughter Audrey Caroline, who died just two-and-a-half hours after she was born.

Thankfully, in addition to being a fantastic storyteller, Angie's hilarious. So we laughed a lot, too. And Todd sang for us live. It's an engaging, entertaining and encouraging show, especially for anyone dealing with the disappointments and setbacks of trying to start or grow their family.

Angie's blog is wildly popular, striking a chord with women all over the world. Through the telling of their story, they've been able to minister to countless thousands. After hearing them, I think you'll understand why. You can listen here.

Pregnant in First Year of Marriage

From Sharon J. (Lancaster, PA)

My husband and I were not planning on getting pregnant this early. Selfishly we really wanted a year to adjust to each other, process life together, transition into a new life together in a new city without the "added strain" of a pregnancy and a new baby. Even now being pregnant the hard part isn't, "Oh no we aren't out of debt yet," or "Shoot I was wanting to go back to school." Instead it has been hard just thinking about giving up some freedoms. We were planning a trip to Colorado in the fall and now because I will be 7 months pregnant that probably won't be happening and that is hard to think about.

I think for both of us we feel the foot loose and fancy "freeness" of our life is slowly being pulled away. But, truly I think I would have struggled with this at any point of getting pregnant simply because I have been a single, on my own, go where I want when I want person for 10 years, up until I got married 4 months ago.

I wonder at times if I really have what it takes to be a mom. How in the world do you raise a child and not just raise them but build strong character into them and hopefully lead them to the Lord. It is such a huge responsibility to be in charge with another persons life and have them completely dependent on you. I am realizing more than ever the importance of my decisions now.

I know my husband struggles with the question of if he'll be able to provide for us. And he also has nervousness because he has never been around babies and really doesn't know how to hold them, change them, or care for them. Also hearing too from friends how tiring it is is really overwhelming to him because he is already completely exhausted every day from him job so the idea of getting even less sleep is depressing to him.

It also concerns me to think about what kind of world I am bringing my child into. As I think about our earth, pollution, crime, our country's moral character I can definitely be discouraged. But I just have to remember that we worship a sovereign, loving and just God and I just need to trust in Him for today. But with that I am also realizing I can have an impact on our future, disciplining women, and mentoring younger gals to help them contribute to a better society; to be God-fearing teachers, accountants, lawyers, etc. I can make a difference.

Fears and Anxieties

From Celesta B. (Canton, GA)

I remember loads of specific fears and anxieties, namely how would we affordcto relinquish a steady salary so that I could stay home and raise our baby. This wasn't some passing worry; this was the reason we prolonged the "act" so long after we finally made the decision that we did indeed want to have a child.

We agonized over how we could afford to be responsible for a tiny human. I remember this anxiousness hovered over all my waking moments and clouded my faith that God would provide for us and financially honor our commitment to stay home. To be honest, I can't say that I ever really had true faith that God would provide. I hoped He would. I prayed He would. But, I stayed unsettled and worried right through my maternity leave with my employer.

And then, moment by moment, "coincidence" by "coincidence", He was there helping us make ends meet, stretching my husband's salary farther than we thought it could go, bringing big name clients to my newly-established writing business. Now, three years in, those fears seem so far away. Yes, we still have big dreams for a financially secure future, but we've lived more abundantly in these three years than we ever did before our babies arrived. I smile to really finally internalize this promise (and reprimand):

"See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his glory was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, `What will we eat?' or `What will we drink?' or `What will we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them."