Blessings of family

Forming a family, raising children, being faithful in the daily tasks of home keeping and baby nourishing can feel draining. But there is hidden treasure in the making. Here is a moving reminder of the real wealth in family relationships: Watch this video

Family requires sacrifice

It is the right of little children to have individual love all day long and to have more than the tag ends of affection. But this situation will not change until the family is seen as an institution so precious that men and women will sacrifice something, even in excitement and personal expression, in order to maintain it.

--Elton Trueblood

A New Problem with no Name

Fifty years ago today, Betty Friedan released the book The Feminine Mystique in which she described “a problem with no name.” She described how educated women felt trapped in suburbia, gazing longingly toward unrealized opportunities in corporate offices. Today, women enjoy those opportunities in the workplace, but are now experiencing a new problem with no name as they find themselves looking out their corporate windows wondering about life with a family. Writers ranging from conservative Danielle Crittenden to liberal Sylvia Ann Hewlett describe women who find it tragic that their corporate success came at the expense of having the opportunity to invest in children. Crittenden writes, “In the richest period ever in our history...the majority of mothers feel they have ‘no choice’ but to work.” In just 30 years, Hewlett says, “we've gone from fearing our fertility to squandering it--and very unwittingly.”

This is what it's come to. The successes of women in the twenty-first century are diminished by their sacrifices. For all our relative wealth, we can't afford babies. For all our learning, we don't understand the limits of fertility. For all our advances as women, motherhood seems unreachable.

Adapted from Start Your Family: Inspiration for Having Babies

What to Expect When No One is Expecting

Jonathan Last has written the best book to date on the dramatic global retreat from family making.  It has the creative title What to Expect When No One is Expecting and we mentioned it briefly here where we included an excerpt published by the Wall Street Journal. Recently, Last gave a talk for the American Enterprise Institute that provides an excellent overview of the book.

The Demographic Cliff

In all the recent debates about U.S. fiscal policy, debt and threats of a fiscal cliff, an underlying problem has received little attention. "Forget the debt ceiling. Forget the fiscal cliff, the sequestration cliff and the entitlement cliff," Jonathan V. Last wrote in the Wall Street Journal on Saturday. "Those are all just symptoms. What America really faces is a demographic cliff: The root cause of most of our problems is our declining fertility rate." The article is an excerpt from Last's new book that comes out today whose title says it all: What to Expect When No One's Expecting, but the blurb for the book fills in some helpful details:

For years, we have been warned about the looming danger of overpopulation: people jostling for space on a planet that’s busting at the seams and running out of oil and food and land and everything else. It’s all bunk. The "population bomb" never exploded. What to Expect When No One’s Expecting explains why the population implosion happened and how it is remaking culture, the economy, and politics both at home and around the world.

We have enjoyed the writing Last has been doing on marriage and family for the Weekly Standard and were glad to see him write such a substantive book on the significant difference it makes when countries have fewer babies. What we especially appreciate is that Last is willing to describe the problem in great detail, but then also prescribe a way forward. And his prescription is simple:

In the face of this decline, the only thing that will preserve America's place in the world is if all Americans—Democrats, Republicans, Hispanics, blacks, whites, Jews, Christians and atheists—decide to have more babies.

He goes on to to address a variety of cultural attitudes (such as our preoccupation with an exalted view of "happiness" that drives us away from procreation) and policies that should change (Social Security reform, college cost management, land management planning, etc.) in order to make it easier to welcome babies.

WSJ's Pro-Human Ethic

“My editors made it clear they were guided by a very different idea: that human beings ought to be seen as minds rather than mouths.” That’s journalist William McGurn writing in today’s Wall Street Journal about his bosses at the editorial pages, explaining what makes them different from most papers and news outlets culture-wide. McGurn learned that idea well, adding his voice to “the hopeful writing about human possibility” being done by a handful of economists.

In his farewell column as he heads to the New York Post as editorial-page editor, the value of optimism about new life, or rather the implications of the “humans as mouths” view, is on display in another article three pages away. In “Slowing Birthrates Weigh on Europe’s Weak Economies,” we read the story of a city in Portugal where ongoing austerity measures are in view in Every area but one: birth incentives. “The awards of up to $1300 to new mothers, as well as free nursery services and tax breaks on homes for young couples” will continue in a desperate effort to encourage babies. Why? More people are dying there than being born and there aren’t enough young workers to support those aging out of the workforce.

Back when we were making our excuses for delaying starting a family, our professor Hubert Morken challenged our notions of what’s financially responsible:

“Budget for everything but babies,” he said. “Babies are wealth!”

I’m thankful for newspapermen like McGurn who see the reason for his exuberance for new life. (Dr. Morken was bullish on family for many reasons beyond the pragmatic, but that’s another post for another day.)

We wish you well in your new endeavor, Mr. McGurn, and hope your move will mean another newspaper that understands the good gift of human potential and possibility. We may have to add another paper to our morning routine.

(McGurn’s full column, “The Education of a Newspaperman,” is online)

She Wants a Baby

Early in our marriage, Candice and I used to take long walks in our neighborhood to discuss the week ahead. Sometimes we talked about the future, but there was always a clear line between immediate tasks, like “get the oil changed in the car,” and future plans, like “get rich and build our dream home on five acres.”

One day in the middle of a walk, Candice said, “I want to have a baby.” I thought, in this particular instance, that she meant a hypothetical baby set somewhere in the future. So I agreed that it was a good idea. Then she clarified that she wanted a baby now.

At that point, I suspected she was just having an emotional flare-up. There was simply no logic in what she was saying. She knew the status of our bills; she knew we couldn’t afford to have a baby. Besides, we had only been married a little more than a year and still had a lot of exploring to do as new residents of Colorado.

I realized I had to play the role of crisis manager. I had to talk her back from the ledge and encourage her to abandon the dangerous leap she was contemplating. Reasoning from logic, I talked about our finances not adding up. I reminded her of the dramatic adjustments a baby would require to our social lives, our living arrangements, and our concept of free time.

She nodded her head a lot, but I didn’t seem to be getting through. My reasons weren’t working. She wasn’t taking no for an answer. But I knew I wasn’t ready to say yes. The impact of this decision just seemed too significant to be made during a casual walk around the neighborhood. I wasn’t against having kids—I just didn’t think this was the best time. I had to find a compromise. Knowing she wouldn’t accept no, I said, “Yes … but … let’s just wait a little longer. Let’s pay off some bills, squeeze in some more adventures. Why hurry? We still have plenty of time.”

I waited for her response. She seemed to be considering my counteroffer. As she nodded her head in consent, I knew I had done it—I got her to hit snooze on her biological clock.

That is, until we went on another walk—this time with an older couple that had mentored us when we were dating.

Hubert and Mary Morken are action people. They like their walks brisk and over rough terrain if it’s available. My breath ran short several times as we climbed hills and dodged rocks with this couple the age of our parents. A sign along the path we hiked read, “Beware of rattlesnakes,” but I was more afraid of the conversation taking place between the women in front of me. Mary and Candice were talking as intensely as we were hiking. I couldn’t hear everything they were saying, just an occasional word—fertility, baby and money—among them. I knew the issue of having kids was, once again, front and center.

(From the prologue of Start Your Family)

Further Reading

Cultural Changes in Approach to Starting FamiliesBarbara Dafoe Whitehead, "Life Without Children," State of Our Unions 2006, The Social Health of Marriage in America

Christian Apologetic for Family Formation Albert Mohler, "Does the Family Have a Future? Part 2" Albert Mohler, "Can Christians Use Birth Control?"

Biblical Guidance for Having and Raising Children John MacArthur, "A Plan for Your Family: God's vs. the World's" John MacArthur, "God's Pattern for Children, Pt. 1" Kenneth Boa, "Perspectives on Parenthood"

Financial Resources Ellie Kay, Financial Resource Center Money Saving Mom, moneysavingmom.com

Dealing with Loss The Story of Audrey Caroline, Bring the Rain Hope for the Journey of Grief, String of Pearls Candice Watters, Grieving Miscarriage

What Size Family?

Is it possible to have too many babies? That's the question I answered this week on Boundless. The woman asking wrote,

My older sister is pregnant with her fourth baby and excited about growing her family. She and I were talking last night about family size, and it got me thinking about how many children are too many and if that is even possible — to have “too many” children.

If we believe in a completely sovereign and good God, what are the implications of that on determining how many children are in a family? Many say we are to use wisdom in determining the size of our family, but how is that consistent with completely trusting God's sovereignty in every area of our lives? I struggle to understand this, and I really want my perspective to be the same as God's and not tainted by my own preference or opinion.

God is in control of all things, especially which eternal souls are born into the world and when and to whom. Just like He can keep some from ever conceiving, can't He determine when a family has the right amount of children and close the womb? If so, why don't we trust Him to do that?

The rest of her question, along with my response, is over at Boundless.org.

The Hope and Heartache of Babies

"Do you really want to bring a child into this crazy world?" That's the opening sentence of our "Hope" chapter in Start Your Family. We go on to say,

News stories constantly tell us how unstable our world is--our global relationships, our economy, our political processes, our environment. Closer to home, couples everywhere face concerns in their corners of the world--they worry about their jobs, their health, their neighborhoods. Many worry about family relationships--especially those who have experienced the shrapnel of divorce. These concerns cause anxiety even among couples that are expecting healthy babies. The prospect of a problem pregnancy, miscarriage, delivery problem, still-birth, or a baby born with any number of health challenges or disabilities can almost paralyze a couple. ... While fear and anxiety are a natural emotion for would-be parents, the choice to be fruitful is an eduring and courageous encounter with hope.

We had our own share of reasons to be anxious about becoming parents. But nothing like what many couples go through. In the past week, Sarah and Matt Hammitt (of Sanctus Real) began walking out an extreme version of challenge with their newborn son, Bowen. A few weeks ago I blogged about Matt's song "Lead Me." Lately I've been following their family blog, reading about their faith in the midst of great challenge and the ups and downs of a critically ill newborn.

Their courage is inspiring, their journey far from over. Please read their story and join the many believers who are praying for Bowen.

UPDATE

I love what Matt wrote this morning on Bowen's blog, with the dawn of hope, about the messiness that can come with new life:

This morning is the last time I’ll get to peer through the window to Bowen’s beating heart. I can’t believe, that in such a short amount of time, it’s become normal for me to look down at my son with his little chest wide open. A friend told me that I’ve seen too much, but I’m realizing that I might not see enough. Everything I’ve watched happen in this hospital, all the pain I’ve felt, is deepening my faith, strengthening my marriage, and molding my character. As I lovingly stared into Bowen’s eyes just before midnight, my face only inches from his chest, I thought, “this love is an awesome mess.” I know I’m not the first person to think or to say something like that. ... I believe it’s because tension is the place where the worst of life and the best of true hope meet to unveil our eyes to God’s artistic work of redemption.

How Kids See Things

Our recent trip to the zoo was a good place to see the wonder we've been missing.

Keep reading ...

Through the Eyes of a Child

One of the benefits of having children is the way they help us see the world from a fresh perspective. Things we've seen so many times that we no longer really see them, are often a first for them. It's delightful share in their wonder. That was certainly the case on Sunday when we took a family trip to the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo.