Next to Christmas and Easter, Independence Day is my favorite holiday. I love the annual reminder that our freedom isn't free and that we have a rare history for which to be grateful. Steve and I started watching The Birth of Freedom last night and after we finish that, we're going to continue in our viewing of John Adams (it's amazing how long it can take us to watch a series these days!).
If you're looking for some good reminders of how precious liberty is—and how costly—both are excellent. I'd also recommend reading the Declaration of Independence (thanks to the LA Times for republishing it here). And if you can play some John Philip Sousa music while you're reading, all the better. (You can get free MP3 files of his marches played by the United States Marine Band here.)
Even the Shortest Lives
Since writing Start Your Family and trying to find new ways to get the word out about it, we've spent a lot of time reading Mom blogs and getting to know the awesome women behind them. In the process, we've discovered a whole universe of couples longing to be pregnant, grieving babies lost through miscarriage, agonizing over terminal diagnoses for babies in utero, and questioning why—in a culture where life is so cheap—they, who believe life is sacred, would lose their children so early. When reading their stories, It's impossible to miss the value of these lives cut short. For example, today I saw this—"71 Days"—on Greg Sponberg's blog. It's a tribute to his, and wife Nicol's, son Luke. (The song will be on Nicol's new solo project.)
Solomon said "He has set eternity in the hearts of men." That's never more true than when you lose a baby. Parents grieving the death of an infant long doubly for heaven. It is there we will finally hold the little ones who fled our arms too soon.
HT: @angelac519
Reason # 59 to Have Kids
Swings!
There's nothing quite as sweet as the squeals of delight from a girl on a swing. Unless it's the coos of the little guy, in a swing for the first time.
Until the middle guy sees someone else in his swing.
Thankfully, they worked it out.
Path to Family Turns into Path to Faith
"[I]t is the desire to give not only life but a good way of life to our children that opens us toward a serious concern for the true, the good, and even the holy," write Leon and Amy Kass in the introduction to their book Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar. "Parental love of children leads once wayward sheep back into the fold of church and synagogue. In the best case, it can even be the beginning of the sanctification of life..."
That was kind of the case for Jennifer Fulwiler and her husband. Over a five-year period, they got married, started a family and grew into people of strong faith. But Jennifer wasn't just a wayward sheep returning to church. Her path to family also prompted a path from atheism to a profound belief in God.
Her powerful story is next in our interview series.
What kinds of thoughts did you have about children and family a decade ago?
A decade ago, I was certain that I did not want to have children. I had an exciting career and thought that getting promotions and going on exotic vacations was the meaning of life.
What prompted you to start your family?
As I reached my late 20's, my biological clock started ticking and I started to think that I would regret it if I chose not to have any kids. Even before our religious conversion, my husband and I had decided before we got married that we did want to have one or two kids, especially since we're both only children. When we got married, we thought we'd have plenty of time to plan it all out -- I had been diagnosed with a condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and told that I'd need a lot of medical intervention in order to have children. Three months into our marriage, we found out we were pregnant.
How has God revealed himself to you through your children?
It was only after I had children that I realized what agape -- self-sacrificing love -- is all about. I found that, ironically, the deep, lasting happiness I'd been seeking when I was an atheist obsessed with career and travel can only be found in God himself. And you can only really know God when you're living a life of agape.
What surprised you most about becoming a mom?
How much I love each of my children, and how much fun it can be. Before I had kids everyone had told me doom-and-gloom stories about how hard having children is, so I wasn't prepared for all the good parts.
What's the most annoying toy or children's show/video that parenthood has brought into your life?
I can't stand battery-operated toys! It seems like every time we clean up and put toys back in the toy box it takes 30 minutes for all the random noises to stop.
How has having children affected your marriage?
It's completely transformed it. It was through our children and our religious conversion that we realized that marriage is not about each spouse seeking his or her own amusement -- it's about serving God by serving others.
What have you learned through the highs and lows of starting a family?
There's an old saying that "every baby comes with a loaf of bread under his arm." When I first heard that I was recovering from a serious complication in my second pregnancy, crushed with more than ten thousand dollars of medical debt that resulted from that medical issue, trying to keep up with a two-year-old and a five-month-old, didn't have a car that would hold more than two car seats, still didn't have health insurance that covered pregnancy...and I found out I was unexpectedly pregnant. I rolled my eyes at the idea that things would somehow work out with this new pregnancy; I felt sure that a new baby would push us past some kind of mental or financial limit. And yet, it turned into an amazing opportunity to see just how much God does bless the arrival of new life. It took my faith to a whole new level to watch how God held us in the palm of his hands through all the challenges we faced. It was through that situation that I went from having a sort of lukewarm, mostly intellectual faith to having a deep relationship with Christ.
When do you find time to read/blog/write as a parent?
Usually during the kids' daily nap/quiet time. My mother and mother-in-law are also very involved in our lives, so I often get breaks when the kids are with them.
A Catholic friend of ours describes the home as a "domestic church." What's life like in your "domestic church"?
Well, with four kids under age five, it's noisy. :) To be honest, things have been so chaotic these past few years that we have not implemented a lot of the ideas that we'd like to do to make our home feel more like a domestic church such as daily Bible readings or nightly family rosaries. But we do say daily prayers, and my husband and I try to make it clear through our actions and our words that God comes first in our house.
What advice would you give a couple considering starting a family?
Be not afraid.
In our culture there's this idea that you have to have everything perfect before you can have a baby. I think there's a lot of fear of the unknown when it comes to having children, as well as a worry that something might go wrong, and people feel like they can avoid having any difficulties if they just plan enough. At some point, you have to set aside the spreadsheets and the "what if"'s and accept that some things will go wrong and you will face unexpected challenges, and that that's OK, because God will be right there with you. While prudent consideration is certainly warranted, I would recommend that people err on the side of openness to life. Any stresses that a new child brings into your life will be infinitely outweighed with love.
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Jennifer chronicles the story of her growing faith and growing family at Conversion Diary (you can also follow her at Twitter). She's in the process of writing a book about her story.
Rainy Days and Mondays
Out-of-town company and consecutive days of rain aren't things we're accustomed to. But sometimes when it rains, it really does pour. My Dad arrived amidst scattered showers last Thursday, and it pretty well rained throughout his five-day visit. Though we were glad for the free water (I can think of a lot of things I'd rather spend money on than our utility bill), it posed new challenges to find five days worth of mostly indoor activities for the whole crew. We ate Crock-Pot chicken thighs and veggies—when the weather's right for comfort food in the middle of spring, you have to go with it!
But of course, we couldn't just eat. We had to find things to do. So we traded our typical schedule of hiking in the mountains and picnics in the park for bowling and playing cards. (The older kids are just old enough to start learning our favorite family game: Whist.)
We also went bowling, picked up pizza for dinner, baked cookies, told stories, and slept in sleeping bags (that last part was a kid thing).
On Saturday morning, my Dad took the big kids to Cracker Barrel for a down home breakfast and a to-go box of Marsha's buckeyes for me, thanks Dad! (Note: Marsha started selling these buckeyes 24 years ago in the grocery store I went to as a kid.) Then on to Lowe's for their Build and Grow Clinic (they made another variation of the wooden box project, hammer and real nails included).
By Saturday afternoon, it was time to get outside, rain and all. (Like I said, it doesn't rain here much so, yes, that is a sled on my dad's head.)
And after that. Carving! Carving what, you ask? Why, watermelons, of course. (You didn't think we'd carve pumpkins in May, did you?) This guy's still out on the front porch with a candle inside.
By Saturday afternoon, Steve and I needed a break. And thankfully, so did the storm. Just in time for our date to to celebrate our anniversary. Steve brought me these:
One for every year we've been married. During that non-raining hour or two, we zoomed over to P.F. Chang's for some dinner while the kids rode bikes and dug in the dirt and my Dad made mac 'n cheese. (Thanks to a tip from Tightwad Momma, our lettuce wraps were free.)
Now that Ippy's flown back home to dinner with my Mom, we're winding down a wet and wonderful weekend, full of gratitude for grandparents, and soldiers who made the ultimate sacrifice. In the words of one tweet, "Memorial Day is to honor those that did extraordinary stuff so that we can do ordinary stuff."
Well said. This week, rainy days and Monday didn't get us down.
Surrendering to God's Design
If you've ever had the chance to meet your favorite author in person, you likely know the sinking feeling of dashed expectations. It's just so easy to build an image of someone from their words that's totally different from who they really are. Not so with Gary Thomas. He's the real deal. We met him in real life five years ago when we were expecting baby three. Not only were we not disappointed, we were blown away. He is just as humble, just as wise, just as kind, as you'd expect the author of Sacred Marriage and Sacred Parenting to be. Meeting his wife Lisa last year completed the picture. Together, they are a model of what it looks like to have kids and do it well, for God's glory. It's our privilege to run this conversation with them about what it was like for them when they started their family nearly two decades ago. It's our prayer that their modeling—both here, and in Gary's books—will be an ongoing source of inspiration, encouragement and equipping as you start yours.
What emotional or practical hurdles did you have to overcome in order to start your family?
Well, for us we had to adjust to the knowledge that we had in fact actually started a family! Even though it was a surprise, we both had known that we wanted kids and we were thrilled.
A major hurdle was the fact that Gary was in the middle of seminary and Lisa was going to have to quit her full time receptionist job. Gary immediately signed up for an intensive Greek summer course so he wouldn’t have to take all of it the following year. This allowed him to finish the bulk of his course work right before the baby arrived. He added a full time job to his schedule and slipped back to being a part-time student, while Lisa worked up until two weeks before Allison was born. On paper it looked like a financially crazy time to have a baby, but it all worked out.
How did you build such a vibrant and strong family; where did you go for advice and encouragement?
We were so young and inexperienced when we started that we would have to say that it is only by the grace of God that our family is what it is today. Both of us have parents that have now been married for over 50 years, so the idea that marriage is permanent was definitely a part of our upbringing, and a heritage and stability that we are enormously thankful for. However, there were areas of family life that we wanted to do differently than our families of origin.
A lot of our inspiration and how to advice came from watching families that seemed to be doing things right, and from reading books and a Christian family magazine available at our church, and listening to family radio programs like Focus on the Family. I (Lisa) also took baby and toddler classes offered in our community that were really helpful. Most of the time during those early years we were in survival mode and we were maybe not as purposeful in our parenting as I wish we had been.
Lisa, did you have any unusual cravings during pregnancy?
I craved anything citrusy. I ate copious amounts of grapefruit and oranges through all three pregnancies, and with the final one I added chocolate to that list.
What surprised you most about becoming parents?
Gary: From the moment I first laid eyes on our baby girl, I experienced emotions I never knew existed. Life changed for me from that moment. I was ready to sacrifice on her behalf to feed her, fight, if necessary, to protect her (up until then I was, theologically, a pacifist), and eager to raise her up to follow God. I was instantly changed, and see my life in two epochs: before becoming a parent, and after.
Lisa: I was the youngest of five and never much into babysitting so I did not have a great deal of experience with kids and almost none with babies. So I guess I was surprised by how much of it came to me instinctively and how much I enjoyed just spending a day with my baby. I was also surprised by how much time one little infant could take up. Finally, since our oldest spent a good deal of her first year crying I was surprised by how easily frustrated and upset I could become.
What do you miss most now that you’re nearly empty nesters?
Gary: Everything. I just like little kids—their clothes, the funny way they say things, the cuddling, the wrestling, the playing, spending time together, watching the world of wonder in their eyes… Not to mention, as a writer, I REALLY miss all the funny anecdotes I used to open books and talks.
Having said that, I very much enjoy now having an adult relationship with my kids, and seeing them develop into mature men and women, so I wouldn’t want them to stay young forever. I just want them to get married and provide grandkids.
Lisa: The transition has been gradual so that has helped. We homeschooled each of them through 7th or 8th grade and then they attended high school. The oldest went to a university just an hour from home and came home frequently the first year. This year has been the biggest change with Allison coming home less frequently and our son being an airplane ride away. I miss knowing all of the details of their day. I miss just hanging around chatting. I miss cooking for more people. From their younger years I miss having them all curled up by me while I read to them, watching them act out wildly creative play scenarios, and being able to take them on all kinds of enriching excursions without having to consult their schedules!
How has having children, and having them grow older, affected your marriage?
Lisa: We are so different from each other in so many ways, so having kids allowed us to have shared goals and activities and interests. We’ve been able to appreciate each other's strengths and styles in parenting. Watching Gary parent makes me thankful that he’s the father of my kids! As we hit this new stage of marriage we’re looking forward to having me travel more often with Gary and finding more things to enjoy together.
Gary: I feel like in some ways I’m getting my wife back. As a mom, she was necessarily involved in so many lives that she simply didn’t have as much time or energy to devote to me. She was thoughtful about this, so I didn’t notice it as much as the kids were growing up, but now that her schedule has been freed up a bit, I’m noticing more attention and even care. And I have to say, it’s been nice.
How has having children affected your relationship with God?
Gary: It would take a book for me to answer that question. Oh, wait; I already wrote one: read Sacred Parenting!
Lisa: First of all, being a parent has caused me to have complete and utter dependence on God. I don’t think I could do this without knowing that there is one who loves them even more than I do and is helping them to grow up into who He wants them to be. Without that dependence on God and being able to pray, I would live with a lot more fear and worry and would probably try to b e more controlling. I would also have a lot of guilt for my parenting failures. Second, seeing how much we love and delight in our kids opens me up to the possibility that God really does love and delight in me.
Gary, when did you have time to write when the kids were young?
When they were sleeping. Up through Sacred Marriage, 90 percent of my book writing was done while everyone else was asleep. I’m a big morning person, so that helped. Sometimes, I’d get up in the middle of the night. Since I had a full-time job early on, I didn’t want to miss out on family time in the evening, so my books were written early in the morning on weekdays, weekends, and vacations. Once I became a full-time writer, that was able to change, as I could write during the day and still see them.
What advice would you give a couple considering starting a family?
Lisa: Well, the Bible says “Blessed is the man who fills his quiver” with children so that’s a good mindset to start from. Having kids IS a huge blessing. There are so many more resources out there now to help parents with their parenting, so I think that should alleviate some of their fears about being a good parent. Having kids will confront your selfishness big time, but consider that a good thing.
There is usually not a perfect time to start a family (when all of your travel urges have been satisfied and the finances are in good order, etc.) so don’t wait for that. On the practical side, consider babysitting together for friends or siblings’ kids and see what kinds of child raising issues this brings up. Talk about what family life looked like growing up. Read books. Work out how to live on dad’s income. Just go for it!
Gary: I agree with everything Lisa just said. At a recent conference, a young man said he was afraid he and his wife were too impatient and selfish to have kids. I said that sounded like a good reason to start a family—unless he wanted to die selfish and impatient. We grow as we take on new challenges. God has ordained that most of us get married and raise kids. Biological reasons or disabilities may prevent some from part of that, but for those of us who can, I believe becoming a parent is surrendering to God’s design for our lives. And being surrendered to him is the only place I want to be. ----------------------- Gary Thomas is an award winning author whose books on marriage, parenting, and the Christian life have become worldwide bestsellers. Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy? has now sold over 300,000 copies and is changing the way the church thinks about marriage. In addition to his ten books, he has spoken in 48 states and six countries, had over 150 articles published by numerous national magazines. He and Lisa have three children.
(Incidentally, Gary and Lisa's part 13 of The Interviews circles us back around to our first interview of the series: MckMama. Apparently we're not the only uberfans out there. She's blogged about Sacred Marriage more than once, and about meeting Gary and Lisa during her infant son Stellan's recent hospital stay in Boston.) You can read her family-making wisdom here.
Family Making, BooMama Style
Steve always knows when I'm reading BooMama's blog because I laugh out loud, right before I say, "you have to read this!" Now you can laugh along with her and grab your husband (or wife) and say, "honey, you've got to read this interview!" She is hysterical, and wise, and well, let's get on with it. It's part 12 of the series, if you're counting.You say in your bio, "I've been married to my best friend for eleven years, and our little boy is five. I’d love to have another child, but, well, I’m old. We’ll just have to see what happens." What were those first six years pre-kid like?
Um—I guess the expected answer would be that those years were wonderful and easy and we traveled and we were footloose and fancy-free and we loved every second. And that was true to a certain degree. But those years were also really hard—especially the first three. We both had a whole lot of growing up to do and some Life Junk we needed to address, but we didn't really realize that until after we were married.
Why the wait? Did you face any emotional or practical hurdles to starting your family?
No practical hurdles. Probably a few emotional ones. For whatever reason, I had never been a girl who just couldn't wait to have kids. And because I married later than most of my friends (I was 27), I just wanted to SOAK UP the experience of being a wife. After we were married, I kept thinking that we'd both know when it was "the right time" to start a family. Right after our fifth anniversary was when we said Okay—let's give this baby thing a shot. That was the first time in our married life when we were both ready for a little one. And I got pregnant right away.
Did you have any unusual cravings during pregnancy? Did they stick around?
Tomatoes, guacamole and yogurt. And that guacamole craving is still alive and kickin', my friends.
What surprised you most about becoming a mom?
I had no idea that I could love anyone like I loved our child the very first time I saw him. Like I STILL love him. I also had no idea that I could live and function on so little sleep. But I think the biggest surprise for me was the daily epiphanies—and I'm still having them—in terms of how God reveals His character to me as I parent. I'll never, ever forget trying to teach Alex how to hold my hand when we took walks when he was around 18 months old. I just wanted to guide him and protect him, and he fought me with everything he had. God taught me a lesson or four hundred about surrender in the process.
What’s the most annoying thing that parenthood has brought into your life?
"Caillou." Hands-down. I can hear the first three notes to the theme song before I lunge for the remote. And if I can't get to the remote in time and have to hear Caillou's voice, I start to twitch. Believe me: if I could jump into the TV screen, I would put Caillou in time out FOREVER. :-)
How has having a child changed your marriage?
Seeing my husband as a father has given me a whole new level of respect for him. He's so steady and even and patient. We are typically on the same page in terms of discipline and what we want to instill in our little guy, so in that sense parenting together has really strengthened our bond. We would both tell you that Alex is the best thing that ever happened to us—for a whole host of reasons.
How has having a child changed your relationship with God?
I have been blown away by how becoming a parent has deepened my relationship with God. When I was pregnant with Alex, a friend of mine told me that motherhood would give me a completely different perspective on God's love. And he was so right. As much as I love my little boy, that's just a teeny tiny little fraction of how much the Creator of the universe loves us. I feel like motherhood has given me a fresh appreciation for God's grace and—oh, have mercy—His PATIENCE with His children.
What's your high/low of starting a family?
I feel like there's a high point every single day. Children see the world without judgment or cynicism, so Alex's enthusiasm for life in general blesses my soul in ways I can't even describe. I can't really think of a low point. I mean, I struggle with daily frustrations like anybody else (every once in awhile MAMA NEEDS SOME TIME), and sometimes when I think back on parenting a three year-old I shudder just a little bit, but TRULY motherhood has been the great joy of my life.
Does Boo (Alex) drink your diet coke?
NO MA'AM. :-) Only the real stuff for him. And not too much of it. He has enough energy without the added stimulus of caffeine.
What kid-proofing changes, if any, did you make to your home or life?
Honestly, besides putting a gate on the stairs and putting those little plastic things in the electrical sockets, not many. I never put away my breakables or anything like that. If you could see my mama's house (or, as we like to call it: The Showroom), you would know that the children in our family have to figure out how to live in the middle of lots of dishes and crystal and assorted fragile treasures. So I figured if our little guy could learn how to live among all of my pretties, he'd be up for the task of staying at my parents' house, too.
When do you blog? Does your family read it?
Mostly after 8 at night, though sometimes I'll get a chunk of time in the afternoon when I can take care of blogging stuff. Sometimes I'll even write a little bit when I'm sitting in carpool line. And yes, my family reads it. Alex is just now starting to understand that "Mama writes on the computer." My parents are really good sports about it, but the whole thing absolutely confounds my mama. She tells people that I have "a blog on Google."
What advice would you give a couple considering starting their family?
There's no such thing as talking too much about how you're going to handle parenting in your house. If you're planning to be a mom and you think you might want to stay home with your child, then do a trial run on one income for several months to make sure that you know what you're getting into. I think the financial stress of losing one income can be super-tough on a lot of couples.
Also—and my husband and I tell people this all the time—it is so important to be on the same page spiritually. Every discipline issue you face with your child is a heart issue, and how you handle those heart issues is HUGE. We're both big believers that if you just address behavior, you're only dealing with a symptom of the real problem—which is every heart's need for the transforming love of Jesus. I think all the time that if David and I weren't on the same page with that, parenting could feel really tense and lonely. I'm so grateful that God gave us the gift of working through our junk (and we had plenty) before the little guy came along. We are much healthier parents as a result.
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BooMama is a wife, mama, daughter, sister and friend. She adores her family, and loves to laugh. She also loves TiVo, Mississippi State sports, diet Coke over ice, pedicures, and entire seasons of television shows on DVD. And Jesus. She loves Him most of all.
She started BooMama blog in November of 2005 because she wanted to do a better job of documenting Alex's life (and because scrapbooking's out due to the unfortunate and chronic twitching that would be the result of having to use some form of specialty scissors).
Becoming Parents of a Special Needs Child
We discovered a valuable book last month while we were in Little Rock recording broadcasts with FamilyLife. After hearing us record a show about starting a family, Dan Donovan of FamilyLife Publishing encouraged us to consider how we could help couples who might start their families only to discover that their child has special needs. He told us about Joe and Cindi Ferrini, a couple who have been working with Weekend to Remember marriage conferences, and recently released a new book called Unexpected Journey: When Special Needs Change Our Course. We appreciate the candor and encouragement the Ferrinis bring to a challenge that can push many couples to the breaking point. They are the next interview in our series.
What emotional or practical hurdles (if any) did you have to overcome in order start your family?
While some families wait a long time to decide to start their families, or to be able to get pregnant, that was not what happened in our case. Of our three pregnancies, the first two were “first tries”. It wasn’t until we were trying for a third child that the “wait” began. It was five years of unexplained waiting.
How did you handle the news that you were going to have a child with special needs?
Our son was born after a very long and difficult labor. He looked perfect but had a large and misshaped head, which we attributed to the difficult labor; however, the shape and size never went back to what one might consider “normal.” We began to think Joey’s large head was what kept him from being able to hold his head up on his own. But that simple milestone took a very long time, and we were also noticing how far behind he was in all early developmental milestones.
Each of us had different defining moments when we said, “Something isn’t right with Joey’s development.” For Joe, it was noticing “that look” in a person’s eyes that he often saw in dental patients who had special needs – but now he was seeing it in Joey’s eyes. For Cindi, it was seeing the children of friends who were much younger than Joey - far surpassing him in sitting up, crawling, etc.
We both handled the news with denial at first. But as time went on, and he wasn’t improving, we struggled with anger and grief. It was such a feeling of hopelessness for both of us.
How has having a child with special needs affected your marriage?
Joey’s special needs initially affected our marriage by us clinging to God and each other. As time went on, we had to learn ways to “divide and conquer” different things going on in our life because it was often hard to take Joey places (any kind of loud noise or fast moving people would be too much stimulus for him and he would scream and cry - including going to church or visiting others in their homes – as a one-year-old he could barely sit up in a grocery cart, so it wasn’t safe nor easy to take him). One of us often had to stay home or have grandparents care for him. And for many years it just got harder and harder as the difference between what he should be able to do got farther from what he was able to do.
Taking a six-year-old to church who wants to roll around on the floor was tough for us as parents, but it was tough for those around us, too. He couldn’t handle being in a kindergarten Sunday school classroom because he wasn’t able to do what they did, and he was too big to ask to put him with the 3 year olds where he might have been able to do some of what they did. So, for years, one of us would go to church for first service while the other stayed home; then we’d switch for second service.
It was a strain. Everything we did (and continue to do) took so much extra planning that sometimes it wasn't worth the effort. While we have maintained a strong marriage for almost 30 years, it’s because we desired to give each other freedom to do ministry (separately and together), to have outside interests, etc. We've been very intentional and purposeful so neither of us would feel “alone” in the journey. We’ve had many challenges, struggles, and difficulties, but they have always given way to joys and victories. We've just had to “wait” for them!
How has it affected your relationship with God?
Thankfully, because we purposed to maintain a close relationship with our Lord and Savior, that has been a continued wonderful relationship; however, it hasn't been easy. There are times we’ve questioned why He allowed for us to have a son with so many challenges. There have also been times when the frustration levels of caring for our son far exceeded the victories - and we've felt at the end of our rope; but God has never failed us. He takes our questions and answers them (in His time) and He’s always been there for us – to guide us and love us through the tough times.
What have you learned through the highs and lows of your “unexpected journey”?
Well…that’s why we wrote the book Unexpected Journey – to share those highs and low with others and to let them know it’s normal – perhaps a new normal, but what is normal for them. It has been QUITE a journey and on any journey or adventure, one has to expect highs and lows, good times and bad, times of frustration and joy. The simplest summary would be that we've watched our two beautiful daughters learn to help care for their older brother with love and sincerity. They've also shown themselves to be loving and caring young adults to other people and they're not afraid to stand up for people who are challenged. Most importantly, their love for the Lord is evidenced in their lives by how they treat others and how they live their lives. All of us have learned the value of life, what it means to sacrifice our own time as well as our desire to “get our own way” due to caring for another--we've come to recognize it as a privilege the Lord has given us.
We did not start the journey considering it a privilege. The hard work, years of sleepless nights, and years of therapies, etc. were so exhausting, we did not always find joy in that journey. If the Lord would have asked us 20 years ago, “Would you like Me to heal Joey?” we would have said, “YESSSSSSS!” But today, we've learned so much about unconditional love and serving that we probably wouldn't answer in the same way if asked!
What advice would you give a couple considering starting a family, especially those who worry that parenting might bring additional challenges?
The Lord WILL provide. All parenting is challenging. All parenting has its ups and downs - frustrations and joys. Jump in! Enjoy the "unexpected journey" He gives you!
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Joe and Cindi were married in 1979, have raised three children, and speak nationally for Familylife Weekend to Remember Marriage Conferences. Joe is a semi-retired dentist - in practice for over 30 years; Cindi founded Creative Management Fundamentals - seminars on life and time management. They serve together as associate staff with Campus Crusade for Christ They have lived their "unexpected journey" in the Cleveland, OH area." You can find out more about them, their ministry, and their book at www.joeferrini.com and www.cindiferrini.com.
Can You Pray Away Your Sex Drive?
"Just because societal norms are to marry later (whether due to personal choice or due to circumstances in this fallen world — the latter being my situation at present), doesn't mean our God-given sexuality is delayed along with the marriage plans. So how do we deal?"
That's what one reader asked me for this week's Boundless Answers. It's a question I suspect all Christian single women ask, whether out loud or just in their own heads. I know I did. So what's the answer?
Here's a bit of what I wrote,
I'm not sure it will do any good to ask God to take away your biological urges. After all, He created you to have them, and to have them for a purpose. Your biological promptings are linked to God's design. Your digestive system gives you hunger pangs to let you know your body needs more fuel. Your nervous system prompts you to remove your hand from hot appliances. Your sexual desires can be manipulated in many ways, but at their core, they are designed by God to prompt you to be united in the one flesh union of marriage.
You can read my full reply here. (And please do send your questions to editor@boundless.org for future columns.)
Rob Rienow on Family: Let the Feature Begin
A couple of years ago we had the privilege of meeting Rob Rienow at the Association of Marriage and Family Ministries conference in Arizona. We enjoyed hearing about Rob's church in Wheaton, Illinois and how countercultural his family ministry model was. As we've stayed in touch since then we've come to appreciate how Rob's approach grew out of his path to starting a family with his wife Amy. Their story is featured in our latest interview series:
What emotional or practical hurdles did you or your wife have to overcome in order start your family?
Even though Amy and I came to Christ at an early age, we never thought to take this big decision to the Lord. We took all the other big decisions of life to Him through prayer, through His Word, and through counsel...but when it came to having kids. We had our plan, and that was that. We had no idea how much we were approaching children with worldly principles rather than Christian principles.
Did Amy have any unusual cravings during pregnancy?
Amy is now pregnant with our sixth child. A few days ago, she asked me to get her "lime juice, and pickles." Yikes.
What surprised you most about becoming a parent?
Before we had children, I didn't understand that having children was central to what it means for me to be a Christian. I understand God calls many people to be single. He called me to be married. I now understand that calling to marriage to be a great commission calling...that as we eagerly ask God for children, that we are fulfilling the first commandment to be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth, as well as the great commission to "make disciples." I was totally surprised how central parenting was to the Christian life.
What’s the most annoying toy or children’s show that parenthood has brought into your life?
Easy. Teletubbies.
How has having children affected your marriage?
Parenting has transformed us. Passing faith and character to our children is our most important ministry and mission. It was not till our oldest son was five that we understood this. Thankfully it was not too late for us. God turned our heart to our kids, then to each other. We are now experiencing what "one flesh" marriage is all about.
How has having children affected your relationship with God?
Parenting has revealed all my character problems. I didn't think I used to have problems with anger. The vote is now in...I do! Discipline issues show all my problems. Being a parent and a husband force me to rely on God and ask Him to make me into the kind of man I cannot be on my own.
What have you learned through the highs and lows of starting a family?
I used to think that my "calling" in the world was being a pastor. Now I believe my calling in the world is being a husband, father, and hopefully grandfather, and beyond. Yes, I love serving the Lord as a pastor as well. Before we had children, I didn't see or understand the priority that God places on family relationships, and how he wants our children and grandchildren to take the gospel further than we ever could.
What advice would you give a couple considering starting a family?
When you go to a movie, they show you a bunch of previews. The previews are usually entertaining. But after a while, you start thinking, "when is the movie going to start!" Waiting to have children is like choosing to keep watching the previews and never starting the "feature presentation." Read Psalm 127.
----------------------- Rob Rienow grew up in Connecticut where he came to faith in Christ as a young child. His parents divorced when he was in high school; an experience God used to give him a heart for young people and families going through dark times. He's the founder of the Visionary Parenting Ministry and author of the forthcoming Visionary Parenting (Randall House, July 2009) and God's Grand Vision for the Home, He serves as Marriage and Family Pastor at Wheaton Bible Church. He and Amy have five children and are expecting their sixth.
When Just Friends is Just Poison
In this week's Q&A I answer a question from a reader who says her heart is increasingly drawn toward two men who explain that they want to be "just friends."
Should she hold out hope, or move on?
Here's a taste of my reply,
My inbox is full this week of letters from women like you wondering how they can hold on to their good friendships with men who've recently let it be known that friendship is all they're looking for. I can understand your desire to still spend time with one or both of these friends because up till now, they've filled an important role in your life. ...
Friendship is great. It can be a strong foundation for a romantic relationship. I even talk in Get Married about how women often overlook men in the "just friends" category as potential husbands. But if a friendship has stopped progressing from "just friends" to something more—especially if that male friend has come right out and said he does not want anything more (read: romantic)—then at that point, the friendship can go from promising to poisoning.
What does it poison? Opportunities for marriage to someone else.
You can read the full question and answer in "The Poison in 'Just Friends.'"
Next Monday: Can you just pray away your sex drive? Stay tuned.
Will Having Kids Make Your Marriage Unhappy?
Last week, numerous headlines appeared in the news implying that couples should stay childless if they want a happy marriage. "Kids Marital Satisfaction Study: Remain Childless" said one headline and "Secret to Marital Bliss? Don't Have Kids" blared another. The headlines were based on a new study by scholars at the University of Denver that was published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. The title of the study was "The effect of the transition to parenthood on relationship quality: An eight-year prospective study," but the way news outlets covered it you would think the study was called, "Why Smart Research Types Don't Think You Should Have Kids." It turns out that those smart research types actually like children and intended to send a very different message than the one reporters trumpeted.
Candice and I have had the privilege of getting to know Dr. Scott Stanley, one of the co-authors of the study. As soon as I saw his name appear, I knew something was being misrepresented because of the reputation Scott has as a fair-handed family researcher. Shortly after the articles ran, Scott offered some clarifying comments to recipients of the SmartMarriages email update. Here's his take on the media coverage in his typical dry-wit:
Ah, the joys of the media. Surely, that's just what we meant and we merely came up with the wrong title in our journal article. Couples should not have children. Just don't do it. Just wait until my sons hear about this. Won't they feel like they owe Nancy and me forever?!
And then he addresses the details of the study:
On a more serious note, here are the important points as far as I'm concerned.
- The study focuses on the way declines in marital functioning happen over time for couples who have children and also for those who do not. Couples having children showed clear declines in marital quality that were concentrated around the time of childbirth. Yes, transition to parenthood changes couples, and the changes can be challenging.
- Led by Brian Doss's amazing work on this, part of what we found is that the decline is, on average, small to medium in size. The effect was not hugely negative as some studies before have found. On the other hand, the decline is real where some other studies have suggested that this may not be true.
Key take-a-way: Transition to parenthood is a particularly identifiable and challenging period for couples. (Many of you knew that.)
- Couples who didn't have children also declined over the eight years of the study, but they did so more gradually. While those not having children didn't show some of the declines in terms of communication and conflict management that those having children did, they declined in overall marital happiness, nevertheless.
He goes on to add:
- Studies like this help make the point that people don't need to just let stuff happen to them; they can make choices, including to preserve and protect the great stuff in their marriages. But they have to decide to do that and then work at it. As Howard Markman and Frank Floyd were saying 30 years ago, and we¹re all still saying: Key life transitions are important opportunities for helping couples strengthen their marriages.
- Do these findings argue that couples would be better off just saying "no" to children? Of course not. (Just think of the implications for your Social Security!) Sure, some couples would do better not to have children. More importantly, there are differences between couples who have children and those who do not (apart from mere fertility issues) that make such assertions and comparisons difficult for researchers to attempt. Brian Doss makes the point that we are wise only to look at the trajectories of the two groups but it would be less wise to directly compare them in making too many conclusions. There are too many bases for differences between couples who have children (and when) and those who do not.
Dr. Stanley wraps up his observations with a philosophical perspective:
I'm just speaking for myself in this point, not my colleagues. I believe that we have a narrow definition of marital happiness in America and that there is something harder to measure that is very important that has been called Family Happiness (by Tolstoy; David Brooks did a cool editorial on this a few years ago). This type of happiness is more deeply related to the meaning of building a family together, in life. Most people do not regret having children. Most people who had children are very glad that they did. ... We're too over-focused on romantic happiness in life and not on bigger types of contentment and meaning. Researchers have not really tried to measure this idea of family happiness but those raising a family can very often relate to this on many levels.
Don't worry, be happy (and content).
For more on this issue of marital satisfaction and having children, we encourage you to read the "Mission" chapter in our Start Your Family book.
From Infertility, to the NICU, to Home: Kelly Stamps on Motherhood
The road to motherhood isn't simply paved with Pottery Barn bedding and Gymboree outfits. For many moms, infertility struggles leave them weary and longing. Others conceive easily, only to discover serious health concerns with their babies. Kelly Stamps experienced both. In the following interview she talks about what it was like and how the hardships changed her.
What emotional or practical hurdles did you and your husband have to overcome to start your family?
Scott and I got married a little later in life; I was 30. We wanted to have some time together first before we started a family to build a foundation of a strong marriage before we added children. We were definetely ready when we started trying for children. Little did we know it would take us almost three more years before we finally had our daughter. We struggled with infertility and that can be tough on a marriage, but it made us stronger. When we finally became pregnant (by the grace of God with NO medical help—we were on a break from fertility treatments), we were more excited than you could imagine.
Where did you go for advice; what were your sources of encouragement for getting started?
Most of our friends were already married or had children by the time we started trying so we knew what a blessing (and how much work) having a family was.
Did you have any unusual cravings during pregnancy?
I wanted Mexican food a lot and I did NOT want sweets.
What surprised you most about becoming a mom?
How much I could love a baby and also how much work it is. But it is so worth every minute. Also, how much nothing else really matters as much as your child once they are here. My priorities changed very quickly.
How has having a baby affected your marriage?
It has made our marriage stronger. Watching Scott take care of Harper, I have fallen in love with him completely all over again. I have seen a whole new side of him as a father. Because Harper was born sick and we were in the NICU for weeks, I think we bonded together quickly over almost losing our child. I love him more now than I did before she came.
How has having children affected your relationship with God?
It has made it so much stronger. I see the correlation between how much God loves me and how much I love Harper. The fact that He chose to give me a daughter and saved her from being so sick has shown me so strongly my need to trust Him completely. I have learned to put more and more in His hands. I need Him now more than ever as I journey through motherhood. When do you find time to blog as a mom?
I blog when I feed Harper or when she naps. My time is VERY limited now but I enjoy so much the opportunity to blog and I view it as a chance to record her little life.
What role has your blog—and blog readers—played in your journey to parenthood?
In the last two years my blog really has revolved around my journey to be a mother. I shared our struggle with infertility, then the joy of being pregnant, and most of my pregnancy with the blog world; and then, when Harper was in the NICU, we were able to share about that and have readers from all over the world praying for us. I don't know how we would have made it without the kindness and encouragement and prayers of so many blog friends who have never even met us. Now the main topic on my blog is about raising a newborn.
What advice would you give a couple considering starting a family?
You will never feel ready. You will never feel like you have enough money. You will never experience anything greater. You just have to trust God and know that He will provide. And spend a lot of time in prayer that God will bless you with a child and make you the parents He wants you to be—to raise that baby in a godly home. He gives you the strength and wisdom you need to be a parent and He provides for your needs.
----------------------- Kelly Stamps is a mom in Arkansas. After struggling with infertility, she and her husband Scott were blessed with their baby girl, Harper, now a healthy two-month-old. Kelly recently became a stay at home mom after 14 years in the business world. She and Scott have been married for five years. They are very active in their home church. Kelly blogs at www.kellyskornerblog.com.
Twitterview with John Fuller About Starting His Family
Today, we’re interviewing John Fuller @FullerJohn (http://johnfullerblog.com) about starting a family. John is VP of Focus on the Family’s Audio and New Media division. He and his wife Dena have been married 25 years and have 6 children.
FamilyFormation We’ve always appreciated your experimentation with new media. Thanks for being up for a twitterview.
FullerJohn Glad for the opportunity, this should be fun!
FamilyFormation Let's jump in with the first question. Did you have any hurdles to overcome in order to first start your family?
FullerJohn My wife and I were on the same page, after 2 yrs of marriage. It was time to have kids. We enjoyed our life together. I worked, she stayed at home and had a variety of ministry activities, including some babysitting for friends. We found that there were some physical hurdles, and had a season of infertility. That was hard. After almost 20 months of trying, she finally got pregnant, and our first was born in ’88. We’ve got six kids now!
FamilyFormation Did your wife (or you) have any unusual cravings during pregnancy?
FullerJohn Cravings? None for me. She craved pickles, lemons and tex-mex!
FamilyFormation What surprised you most about becoming a parent?
FullerJohn We were in our late 20s, and so we had seen other couples having kids. I don’t think there were too many real surprises... ...though the biggest change was having no more spontaneity in life. A child made us get into more routines. That was the start of a dying to self that every parent has to face. Still a struggle. Its all good, tho!
FamilyFormation What's the most annoying toy or children's show/video that parenthood brought into your life?
FullerJohn I really dislike Barney. We’ve intro'd our kids to classic TV we watched – Bugs Bunny, Andy Griffith, that kind of thing.
FamilyFormation How has having children affected your marriage?
FullerJohn Heh - HUGE impact! Strengthened our marriage – we stand united in facing various parenting challenges. Big thing we face, with 5 kids still at home is having quality time together. Heart intimacy really requires time.
FamilyFormation How has having children affected your relationship with God?
FullerJohn Our kids have challenged us – to pray more. That actually brings us closer together as a couple. ...Find myself asking God to help me be consistent in my walk and talk. Not so easy with 10 eyes watching my every step!
FamilyFormation What advice would you give a couple considering starting a family?
FullerJohn Don’t wait until you can afford kids – I still cannot afford mine! God will provide. He likes kids! And... ...Surround yourself with good mentors. We learned from several other couples, and their help was invaluable. Also... Get educated about kids, their stages, their needs, your role as a parent, discipline techniques. http://bit.ly/4lvePv
FamilyFormation This is great, encouraging stuff. Thanks so much for the twitterview. Hope you and your family enjoy the snow this weekend.
FullerJohn Thanks, it has been fun. I hope we’ll hear from someone who found this helpful.
Tim Challies' Path to Family
We've had the privilege of getting to know Tim Challies through his blog, Challies.com, and most recently, through his interview with The Boundless Show podcast. Now we're glad for the opportunity to get to hear from him and his wife, Aileen.
What emotional or practical hurdles (if any) did you or your spouse have to overcome in order start your family?
We never had any doubt that we wanted to have children. The only questions in our minds was how long we would wait after getting married and how many children we would have. Aileen comes from a family of two children, Tim from a family of five. Hence anything more than two seemed like a lot to Aileen while anything less than five seemed small to Tim.
Our initial plan was to wait several years after marriage before actually trying to get pregnant. As it happens, we didn’t quite make it through the first year before we decided that the time was right. There may have been part of us that was anxious to spend the early years of our marriage working, building up some bank accounts, and otherwise enjoying each other. But we soon realized that we were so poor that we would have no money to do any great vacations or buy a house in the near future. So instead we decided to front-load our relationship in the hope that when we’re older we’d have time to do a few of those things together. We think we made the right decision.
Did your wife (or you) have any unusual cravings during pregnancy?
Aileen experienced the occasional craving for Big Macs or chocolate. But she did not have the kind of cravings people may think of with pregnant women. No ice cream and pickles at any rate. Tim was entirely free of cravings.
What surprised you most about becoming a parent?
I suppose we were concerned, as many parents are, that introducing another person into our family would somehow divide our love for one another. And with subsequent pregnancies we may have worried that another child would divide our love more ways still. But we have found that love multiplies rather than divides.
Aileen’s biggest surprise was how much love you have for your child, from the moment that child is conceived—the strength of the love a parent has for a child, even though you have never met.
What’s the most annoying toy or children’s show/video that parenthood has brought into your life?
We are very deliberate about trying to avoid toys or programs that are obnoxious. When relatives give us such things, it may just happen that the toys mysteriously disappear in the middle of the night.
Aileen votes for Barney! That show came on once and was immediately slapped with a lifetime ban.
How has having children affected your marriage?
I think the better question is how having children has not affected our marriage. I really don’t know that there is any area of our lives that hasn’t been somehow altered by the presence of our children.
Aileen says “I agree. Although I would say that one area of struggle for me, as a mom, is striving to make sure I put my husband first in our day to day living. Especially as a new mom, when a baby is completely dependent on you, it is so difficult to remember to follow the biblical command to put your husband first.”
How has having children affected your relationship with God?
I try to be very deliberate about thinking through what my children do and how I react to this. I learn an awful lot about myself by seeing how my children behave, by seeing what they love, by learning how they love.
Aileen: It has helped me to understand God’s love for me. It is astounding to consider in light of how much I love my children, even in their imperfections, how much more God loves me despite my sin.
What have you learned through the highs and lows of starting a family?
Tim: I have learned why God always refers to us as children. You can learn a lot through your relationship with your children about God’s relationship with you.
Aileen: I have learned a lot about trusting God for everything. I tend to try and take care of everyone by myself, and tend to forget to rely on God for all. Through some of the difficult times in pregnancy, and especially in times when the kids aren’t well, I’ve had to learn to trust God for the outcome.
When do you find time to read as a parent?
I (Tim) am an early-to-bed, early-to-rise kind of person and I have done most of my reading in the early morning hours. I also try to read in the evenings when and if I can. I try to give Aileen time in the evenings to have a bath or otherwise escape from the rest of us for a few minutes and she almost invariably uses this time to read.
Aileen: It is difficult especially when I have little ones demanding my attention, (and little ones that get up at night!) to find time to read. It has been a long season for me where I’ve been in a bit of a desert when it comes to reading time. But, I know and am seeing now, that it is a season. My kids are that much older now, and I’m starting to find time again to read.
What advice would you give a couple considering starting a family? Aileen: Make sure your relationship is a priority. It is so easy to forget about each other when you have a baby who is demanding all your attention. For moms, the baby needs you to survive, but in a way, so does your husband. Make sure he is a priority as well.
Tim: Listen to Aileen.
-----------------------
Tim Challies blogs at Challies.Com and edits Discerning Reader (www.discerningreader.com), a site dedicated to discerning reviews of books that are of interest to Christians. A self-employed web designer, he lives in the outskirts of Toronto, Ontario with his wife Aileen and their three children ages 9, 6, and 3.