Do-It-Yourself Family Making

It seems that couples who want to get married and start a family today are on their own--whether they want to or not, they are left to do it themselves. Consider the observation of sociologist Dr. Leon Kass in his anthology Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar:

...for most of America's middle- and upper-class youth--the privileged college-educated and graduated--there are no known explicit or even tacit social paths directed at marriage. People still get married--though later, less frequently, more hesitantly, and by and large, less successfully. People still get married in churches and synagogues--though often with ceremonies and vows of their own creation. But for the great majority the way to the altar is uncharted territory. It's every couple on its own bottom, without a compass, often without a goal. Those who reach the altar seemed to have stumbled upon it by accident.

wing to wing

After “stumbling onto the altar by accident,” many couples back their way into parenting. A third of all pregnancies in marriage are unplanned--leaving families formed without much vision or preparation. Unfortunately, it seems that it's only when couples show up in churches with kids that pastors begin to engage and start doing family ministry. Few churches invest in family formation--in actually helping couples to marry well and start a family with vision and preparation to begin with.

For that matter, few parents are investing in their son or daughter's path to family. Consistently, parents will define success in their roles as preparing their children for college and the workplace. Recently, more parents have gotten the message from their churches that success also means preparing their children for eternity–introducing them to a vibrant faith during their formative years. But not enough parents feel it's their role to prepare their children for families of their own.

Too many are stuck in the cultural mindset that parents should be hands-off and let their children follow their own hearts in their paths to marriage and children. Others feel they should take the multi-cultural path and let their children choose whatever form of relationship they want to have as adults without elevating marriage and family among other choices. But when three quarters of high school seniors tell the Monitoring the Future survey that getting married and starting a family are extremely important to them, shouldn't parents be more invested in that goal?

We're told that this generation of helicopter parents have gone overboard in managing their children's lives. But when it comes to helping their children marry well, it seems they are either checking out or actually discouraging marriage. In the Touchstone magazine article, “Unmarried, Still Children,” Joan Frawley Desmond talks about children who've been raised for everything except marriage. She writes:

Today, parents have a tough time understanding their proper role. Not only has the culture embraced the good of individual autonomy—as opposed to parental authority and familial responsibility—but radical social change has bred confusion about what constitutes the proper goal of adulthood. ... Their children are deemed incapable of bearing the weight of marriage. Everything must be in place before they can contemplate such a momentous—potentially “destabilizing”—step.

When we lived in Colorado, I spoke with a mentor who has children my age. He and his wife worked hard to stay invested in their children's lives and paths to family, but he told me about a friend of his who wasn't invested. This friend of his shared his anxiety over the guy his daughter was dating, but then said he didn't think it was his place to inject himself. “Why shouldn't you get involved in your daughter's choice of a spouse?” our mentor asked him, “this guy could potentially be in your life making trouble for a long time and leaving you to pick up the pieces as the dad and grandpa. Now is the time to get involved, even if it's awkward.”

Can't we do better?

Can parents recover their roles in helping their children to marry well and start strong families? Can churches do more pre-family ministry? Can some older couples step up and serve as mentors to fill in the gaps?

Power for Parenting

Not long after we left the hospital with our firstborn (and the middle-of-the-night assistance of nurses and staff) I realized that parenting requires supernatural power to do well, for God’s glory. But that’s precisely what we have in Christ, through the promised Holy Spirit, our Helper (John 14:15-17). Just as Jesus (in the flesh, living as fully man) was, in his humanity, able to obey, so too can we obey God. By the power of the Holy Spirit.

I’m learning this and more with the help of Bruce Ware’s excellent new book, The Man Christ Jesus.

If you’re blessed with children, and they slept most of last night (and even more if they didn’t!), take some time in your waking hours to strengthen your soul with this excellent book.

A Social Network That Takes Marriage Seriously

Dr. Brad Wilcox is one of the top family scholars in America. His research at the University of Virginia focuses on marriage and cohabitation and on the ways that gender, religion, and children influence the quality and stability of American family life.

A few years ago, Dr. Wilcox took the time to answer a few questions from us about how couples go about forming families today and the role parents, pastors and mentors can play in supporting them. The following is a reprint from that interview:

Based on the research you’ve seen, do you have a sense of how many American couples go into marriage and parenting with a sufficient amount of vision and preparation? Is it the majority or the minority?

Most couples in the United States who marry are exposed to cursory or no marital preparation. They may attend one or two sessions with a layperson, pastor, or priest but generally do not get the thorough preparation they need to increase their odds of marital success.

On the other hand, a large minority of couples who get married in churches are exposed to a premarital preparation that does a good job of inventorying their strengths and weaknesses, preparing them for the key challenges of married life (e.g., money, sex, children, gender differences in relationship styles, and learning to sacrifice for the good of their spouse), and giving them a theological framework for thinking about marriage and family life.

A hundred years ago, parents, pastors and mentors played a very active role in helping couples in the United States to marry well and then to support them in starting a family. Today, couples are much more autonomous in their approach to family making. What difference does that make?

Well, we know that is hard for couples to go it alone, and yet they are now more likely to try to do that, as research by Paul Amato at Penn State and his colleagues indicates. The problem with couples trying to do it all on their own is that no spouse is capable of meeting their spouse’s deepest desires for intimacy and meaning and—of course—no spouse is perfect.

By contrast, couples who have family members, friends, and fellow churchgoers who are committed to their marriage are likely to get advice, as well as moral and practical support, that makes married life easier for them. In fact, we know that one of the best predictors of marital success is being embedded in a social network that takes marriage seriously. So couples should seek out friends who share their commitment to marriage.

What do churches and families stand to gain by coming alongside couples in their paths to marriage and family?

Marriage is one of the most important social supports of faith in America. Adults who are married are much more likely to attend church than are adults who are single or divorced. This is especially true for men. Likewise, children who have been raised in a stable, intact, married home are much more likely to stick with their faith than are children who have been affected by divorce or single parenthood.

What are the simplest things pastors, parents and mentors can do to influence how the next generation of families form?

One of the most important things that pastors and lay leaders in churches can do to strengthen marriage is to provide their adult members, and the youth in their church, with a realistic model of married life.

Marriage is not about finding and sustaining an ideal soulmate relationship. Yes, love is important. But marriage is also about regular sex, having and rearing children, providing practical and emotional support to a spouse, establishing a common economic enterprise, treating one’s kin (including one’s in-laws) with love and respect, and growing in the faith.

Paradoxically, couples who understand that marriage is about many different goods in life (not just an intense emotional relationship) are more likely to enjoy a happy, lifelong marriage than couples who see marriage through a soulmate lens.

———————————-

W. Bradford Wilcox is Director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, Associate Professor of Sociology at the University of Virginia, and a member of the James Madison Society at Princeton University.

Brad Wilcox earned his undergraduate degree at the University of Virginia and his Ph.D. at Princeton University. Prior to coming to the University of Virginia, he held research fellowships at Princeton University, Yale University and the Brookings Institution.

Mr. Wilcox’s research focuses on marriage, parenthood, and cohabitation, and on the ways that gender, religion, and children influence the quality and stability of American marriages and family life. He has published articles on marriage, cohabitation, parenting, and fatherhood in The American Sociological Review, Social Forces, The Journal of Marriage and Family and The Journal for the Scientific Study of Religion. With Nicholas Wolfinger, Wilcox is now writing a book titled, Soul Mates: Religion, Sex, Children, & Marriage among African Americans and Latinos, for Oxford University Press. With Eric Kaufmann, Wilcox is finishing a book on the causes and consequences of low fertility in the West. He is also the coauthor of Gender and Parenthood: Biological and Social Scientific Perspectives (forthcoming from Columbia University Press).

A Drought of Children in California

California is the most populous state in the United States, but the number of children there is shrinking, leaving the state “ill-equipped for boomer retirement” according to an article in the Wall Street Journal. Birth rates are now below replacement level for whites, Asians and African-Americans. Rates among Hispanics had been high but are now dropping steeply and are also expected to drop below replacement in the next decade.

“The shrinking pool of youngsters coincides with a bulging population of older people,” the article explains. In other words, California is growing very European—it has promised generous benefits that depend on a growing population while cultivating a culture that doesn’t welcome enough new life to keep the scheme going. This is not sustainable.

What to Teach Your Children

Trillia Newbell has a good word about what we, as Christian parents, should be teaching our children. In view of recent headlines, but even more in view of God’s Word, she writes: “I don’t want my kids to be surprised by fiery trials as if the possibility of persecution for following Christ were unexpected or unbelievable. I want them to know there is a cost to being a disciple and that the world won’t be eager to support their faith and they may even experience hate (1 John 3:13). I don’t want to romanticize Christianity. I want to make sure they know the truth, you really can gain the whole world and forfeit your soul (Mark 8:36).

“But I want to teach them that laying down their lives for the sake of the gospel is worth it. I want to remind them that Jesus laid down his life, not for friends, but for enemies. I want to remind them that we should love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us (Matthew 5:44). I want to teach them that our treasure isn’t on earth but in Heaven.”

Read her column here.

Does Church Attendance Signal True Faith?

Today on Boundless.org I answer a question from a Christian woman whose boyfriend lied about going to church. What’s worse, the lie or his time away from the body? And what, if anything, does it all mean for their relationship going forward? Should she just forgive and forget? My answer is here.

WSJ's Pro-Human Ethic

“My editors made it clear they were guided by a very different idea: that human beings ought to be seen as minds rather than mouths.” That’s journalist William McGurn writing in today’s Wall Street Journal about his bosses at the editorial pages, explaining what makes them different from most papers and news outlets culture-wide. McGurn learned that idea well, adding his voice to “the hopeful writing about human possibility” being done by a handful of economists.

In his farewell column as he heads to the New York Post as editorial-page editor, the value of optimism about new life, or rather the implications of the “humans as mouths” view, is on display in another article three pages away. In “Slowing Birthrates Weigh on Europe’s Weak Economies,” we read the story of a city in Portugal where ongoing austerity measures are in view in Every area but one: birth incentives. “The awards of up to $1300 to new mothers, as well as free nursery services and tax breaks on homes for young couples” will continue in a desperate effort to encourage babies. Why? More people are dying there than being born and there aren’t enough young workers to support those aging out of the workforce.

Back when we were making our excuses for delaying starting a family, our professor Hubert Morken challenged our notions of what’s financially responsible:

“Budget for everything but babies,” he said. “Babies are wealth!”

I’m thankful for newspapermen like McGurn who see the reason for his exuberance for new life. (Dr. Morken was bullish on family for many reasons beyond the pragmatic, but that’s another post for another day.)

We wish you well in your new endeavor, Mr. McGurn, and hope your move will mean another newspaper that understands the good gift of human potential and possibility. We may have to add another paper to our morning routine.

(McGurn’s full column, “The Education of a Newspaperman,” is online)

She Wants a Baby

Early in our marriage, Candice and I used to take long walks in our neighborhood to discuss the week ahead. Sometimes we talked about the future, but there was always a clear line between immediate tasks, like “get the oil changed in the car,” and future plans, like “get rich and build our dream home on five acres.”

One day in the middle of a walk, Candice said, “I want to have a baby.” I thought, in this particular instance, that she meant a hypothetical baby set somewhere in the future. So I agreed that it was a good idea. Then she clarified that she wanted a baby now.

At that point, I suspected she was just having an emotional flare-up. There was simply no logic in what she was saying. She knew the status of our bills; she knew we couldn’t afford to have a baby. Besides, we had only been married a little more than a year and still had a lot of exploring to do as new residents of Colorado.

I realized I had to play the role of crisis manager. I had to talk her back from the ledge and encourage her to abandon the dangerous leap she was contemplating. Reasoning from logic, I talked about our finances not adding up. I reminded her of the dramatic adjustments a baby would require to our social lives, our living arrangements, and our concept of free time.

She nodded her head a lot, but I didn’t seem to be getting through. My reasons weren’t working. She wasn’t taking no for an answer. But I knew I wasn’t ready to say yes. The impact of this decision just seemed too significant to be made during a casual walk around the neighborhood. I wasn’t against having kids—I just didn’t think this was the best time. I had to find a compromise. Knowing she wouldn’t accept no, I said, “Yes … but … let’s just wait a little longer. Let’s pay off some bills, squeeze in some more adventures. Why hurry? We still have plenty of time.”

I waited for her response. She seemed to be considering my counteroffer. As she nodded her head in consent, I knew I had done it—I got her to hit snooze on her biological clock.

That is, until we went on another walk—this time with an older couple that had mentored us when we were dating.

Hubert and Mary Morken are action people. They like their walks brisk and over rough terrain if it’s available. My breath ran short several times as we climbed hills and dodged rocks with this couple the age of our parents. A sign along the path we hiked read, “Beware of rattlesnakes,” but I was more afraid of the conversation taking place between the women in front of me. Mary and Candice were talking as intensely as we were hiking. I couldn’t hear everything they were saying, just an occasional word—fertility, baby and money—among them. I knew the issue of having kids was, once again, front and center.

(From the prologue of Start Your Family)

New Christian fiction dramatizes likely demographic trend

We’ve been looking forward to the release of the new book Fatherless: A Novel by Dr. James Dobson and Kurt Bruner.  It’s the first in a dystopian trilogy that looks ahead to see how today’s demographic trends could play out.  Here’s the publisher’s description:

The year is 2042, and a long-predicted tipping point has arrived. For the first time in human history, the economic pyramid has flipped: The feeble old now outnumber the vigorous young, and this untenable situation is intensifying a battle between competing cultural agendas. Reporter Julia Davidson-a formerly award-winning journalist seeking to revive a flagging career-is investigating the growing crisis, unaware that her activity makes her a pawn in an ominous conspiracy. Plagued by nightmares about her absent father, Julia finds herself drawn to the quiet strength of a man she meets at a friend’s church. As the engrossing plot of FATHERLESS unfolds, Julia will face choices that pit professional success against personal survival in an increasingly uncertain and dangerous world.

In the dystopian tradition of books like 1984, Brave New World, and The Hunger Games, FATHERLESS vividly imagines a future in which present-day trends come to sinister fruition.

We’ve traded notes with Kurt Bruner about this demographic trend for several years now and we’re excited to see him collaborate with Dr. Dobson to dramatize what the future may hold as current attitudes about family making play out.

Read the first chapter of Fatherless online.

"Teaching 'Taco Bell's Canon'" Makes Me [sic]!

Retired college professor James E. Courter's students proved with hilarity that reading is essential to writing. In "Teaching Taco Bell's Canon," he provides ample evidence that hearing something and being able to write it are two entirely different things. He calls his former students' "literary sub-genre" a "stream of unconsciousness." Consider these winners:

One guy admitted that he had trouble getting into "the proper frame of mime" for an 8 a.m. class. … Another lamented not being astute enough to follow the lecture on "Taco Bell's Canon" in music appreciation class. … One complained that his roommate was "from another dementian." Another was irritated by a roommate's habit of using his "toilet trees."

The examples go on. And while his column was good for a laugh on the treadmill, reason enough to run a few extra minutes, it both encourages me and gives me pause. Pause, for I realize some of these young people will one day assume roles of responsibility that will have consequences for the communities we live in (imagine a professional whose every email, letter, and printed speeches contains multiple occurrences of [sic]--the bracketed word that shows an odd or erroneous spelling is printed exactly as the author wrote it!). Encouragement, for I'm convinced more than ever that it's right that parents cut back on modern entertainment and distractions -- TV, iPhones, internet, computer games, etc., -- in exchange for reading.

Read! Uplift the importance of reading lots of books, as often as possible. Read to your children and read to yourself. Order books from the library and bring home stacks and stacks as varied and interesting as you can find. Use good, reliable books of books and lists of books to find suggestions. If your kids don't like to read, read to them. They like you. And likely you'll be surprised how much they'll enjoy being read to. Even the older ones! And if you don't like to read, consider the reasons. It does take effort, but all things worth doing, do.

May it not be said of us by our children that books weren't often a source of entertainment or discussion, or even present, in our homes. The consequences of too-little reading are too great.

Courter wraps with this sobering thought:

Among students' biggest complaints is that hey have to write so much in college. In his end-of-semester evaluation, one honest soul complained that "writing gives me fits." Sad to say, it's not uncommon to hear students remark on how much they look forward to being done with English.

Who knows what language they'll use then?

Should Women Initiate When Men Don't?

That's the question, two of them, actually, that I answer today on Boundless. One woman wants to know if it's OK to ask a friend of hers to ask the guy she likes if he likes her. "Is this like the fourth grade?" she wants to know. Well, yes. She wonders if it's "OK to use a mentor or mutual friend in this way?" In a word, no. But I do give her more than a two-word reply:

There is a way to include older, wiser married believers in your life, in the context of a church body, that provides opportunities to talk about your desire for marriage and even your interest in a particular man. But in that setting, the goal should be accountability toward spiritual maturity, as well as protection, not orchestrating a date for Friday night. What you describe sounds like manipulation — trying to influence events to your favor and will. And it doesn't typically end well.

The second woman has been friends with and liked a guy for 10 years. Ten. She wants to know, "Am I wasting my time? Is he never going to see me in that light? Should I stop asking him to hang out? I've met his family and spent time with his sis, and she said he is horrible with contacting people. What should I do?"

It's painful to think that 10 years will have been fruitless in this area, but it's time to face facts:

Go with what you know — he's not interested — and stop throwing good time after bad. This relationship is not going to lead to marriage. What's worse is that by hoping he'll change, you're probably missing out on other good men who would make godly husbands. And you're growing older all the while, possibly squandering your season of marriageability. This is a stewardship issue for you.

You can read the full questions, and my response, in "Taking the Lead."

What's Wrong with Me Syndrome

"What's wrong with me?" That's the question I often asked myself when passed over by a handsome young man who, though friends with me, chose to date one of my female friends instead. From the looks of my inbox, I'm not the only Christian woman to experience that painful rejection.

Today on Boundless I reply to a woman who wrote,

I've never had a boyfriend. To love a man with the love God has given me for others is one thing I desire above all else. But I've yet remained "invisible." Is something wrong with me? Every person I know tells me "Oh, you're the sweetest person I know," "You're so loving," and so forth. From others' compliments I don't think I'm hard to get along with, and I think I'm average looking.

I try to get myself involved with different social circles and activities, but I'm invisible. And the guy friends that I've thought, Maybe there is something here, end up dating other girls. I'm happy for them, but it makes me wonder what's wrong with me? What is your suggestion for shaking this feeling of "something-must-be-wrong-with-me" syndrome that I seem to be struggling with?

My answer is here.

Further Reading

Cultural Changes in Approach to Starting FamiliesBarbara Dafoe Whitehead, "Life Without Children," State of Our Unions 2006, The Social Health of Marriage in America

Christian Apologetic for Family Formation Albert Mohler, "Does the Family Have a Future? Part 2" Albert Mohler, "Can Christians Use Birth Control?"

Biblical Guidance for Having and Raising Children John MacArthur, "A Plan for Your Family: God's vs. the World's" John MacArthur, "God's Pattern for Children, Pt. 1" Kenneth Boa, "Perspectives on Parenthood"

Financial Resources Ellie Kay, Financial Resource Center Money Saving Mom, moneysavingmom.com

Dealing with Loss The Story of Audrey Caroline, Bring the Rain Hope for the Journey of Grief, String of Pearls Candice Watters, Grieving Miscarriage

Family Discipleship at the Zoo

  Next to pictures from the apple orchard and pictures from birthday parties, the scene that seems most repeated in our family scrapbooks is the annual outing to the zoo.

Seeing the animals from the perspective of a three-year-old transports me back to childhood wonder in a way few things can.

And being so close to big beasts, having watched Earth and back in the day, Wild Kingdom, I'm amazed by the privilege and responsibility that comes with taking dominion.

There is much to learn at the zoo. It's the sort of setting where lessons about God are everywhere. The challenge for parents, if you're anything like us, is to set aside your agenda--your desire to see everything and still be home in time for a nap--and listen for the Spirit's prompting. Here are just a few lessons that may emerge:

God made the earth and all the animals (Genesis 1:1, Hebrews 1:10)

The earth, the heavens, the stars, all point to God, they declare His glory. (Psalm 19:1, Habakkuk 3:3, Psalm 50:6, Psalm 102:25)

The wild animals honor God. (Isaiah 43:20)

We, humans, are tasked by God with being good stewards of His creation, including the animals. (Genesis 1:28, Genesis 2:15)

God feeds the animals. (Luke 12:24)

How we care for the animals is a test of our kindness.(Proverbs 12:10)

Family field trips are a great place to teach your children about our great Creator, the Maker of all the animals. Seeing the vast diversity of creatures in one small space displays His majesty. He designed it that way, as Job reminds us:

“But ask the animals, and they will teach you,

or the birds of the air, and they will tell you;

or speak to the earth, and it will teach you,

or let the fish of the sea inform you.

Which of all these does not know

that the hand of the LORD has done this?

In his hand is the life of every creature

and the breath of all mankind" (Job 12:7-10).

Getting Kids to Work Gladly

When our kids complain about their chores, and even more when they grumble about pitching in to help with the day-to-day work of a busy family, it's tempting to help them see how good they have it by reminding them how much more work I have to do. But that is not God's way. It will never turn their hearts from complaining by being a complainer myself. God made us in His image and when we work, we are doing what He does. When I work wholeheartedly, I show that I am made in God's image. God is at work.

Jesus said to them, “My Father is always at his work to this very day, and I, too, am working” (John 5:17). (See also, Psalm 66:5, Romans 8:28,Genesis 2:2, Psalm 121:4, Philippians 2:13, John 5:36, John 14:10.)

We serve an active God who has revealed Himself to us in Scripture, the very book that calls inactivity and laziness folly. Proverbs 6:9 asks, "How long will you lie there, you sluggard? When will you get up from your sleep?" Followed a passage that's sometimes quoted in our home:

A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest— and poverty will come on you like a bandit and scarcity like an armed man (6:10-11).

So important is this lesson that it's repeated verbatim a few chapters later in Proverbs 24:33-34.

Author Paul Tripp says, "The call to meaningful, necessary, productive, and creative labor goes to the very heart of our identity as creatures made in the image of God." (Age of Opportunity, p. 203-204 )

Rather than model complaining and holding up all the work I have to do, I need to show our children that I embrace the work I get to do, that which I've been called to do. With gladness. It is a privilege to be given responsibility and working joyfully as unto Him brings Him glory. It's also a prerequisite for more and increasing responsibility (see the Old Testament stories of Daniel, Joseph, Samuel).

I pray today, and every day, I'll be a good example of what it means to work as unto the Lord with all my heart. There's much more at stake than just clean dishes.

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men, 24 since you know that you will receive an inheritance from the Lord as a reward. It is the Lord Christ you are serving (Colossians 3:23-24).