December Decisions

Bake cookies for Friday's Boundless staff party, start browsing websites for gifts, make paper crafts, there's so much I love doing to get ready for Christmas that sometimes it's hard to choose! Since today is the deadline for Shutterfly's sale offerings, I think I'll focus on finishing up some photo gifts I started. Here's a screen capture of the September page of the calendar I'm making for Steve's Grandma.

In addition to making Christmas cards, calendars and photo books, I sometimes make homemade hot fudge and bake bread as gifts.

What are you busy with in these early December days? Do you have any suggestions for homemade gifts?

Cake

Of Teddy's first taste of chocolate.

And the response, though tepid at first, was unequivocally YUM!

A Higher Standard

It's bad when guys spend time with you in a way that makes you think they're interested in more than a friendship. Bad because it misleads you and risks putting wear and tear on your heart. Bad because it's defrauding. But what about when the guy doing that is widely-known to be training to be a pastor? I think it's somehow worse. And that's the topic of this week's question and answer, "Curious Flirting," on Boundless. Following on the heels of this Q&A, I received a letter from a man who wants to know if it's possible for women to defraud men. He wrote,

Is it possible for a woman to "defraud a man"? If not, why not, and if so, what does that look like?

Almost all the stories and warnings of "leading people on" (i.e. friendship without intentionality) seem to be geared towards men. Yet it seems to me that the same criteria can apply to women as well.

What do you think?

Is there anything good about waiting?

If you haven't already seen it, I have a new article over on Boundless today that begins: "Recently a local church e-mailed me with an invitation to speak about waiting on God for a husband. I wondered if they had the right person.

"With a book title like Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen, I'm not exactly known for messages about waiting. Having spent so much of the past few years writing about all the ways we can delay marriage—to our disappointment and frustration—I wasn't sure I had much to say about waiting in a positive light. Is there anything good about waiting for marriage?"

That's the question I pose to myself in today's column, "It's Good to Wait." You can read the whole thing here.

Everyone Has a Role to Play

The third and final part of my conversation with Carolyn McCulley, Dr. Dobson and John Fuller about being single and hoping for marriage is airing today on Focus on the Family. Today we talk about the many roles to be played—by God, parents, women, men, churches, etc.—on the way to marriage. We also talk about the pain, frustration and possible redemption of being single longer than expected.

Carolyn has this to say about it on her blog:

As Dr. Grudem said on Sunday morning at my church, he doesn't know anyone over 50 who has not had a significant trial or affliction. If you live long enough, you will encounter difficulty because it's what happens in a fallen world. But this is not the end of the story. Not only will we experience God's redemptive activity in this life, we have the promise of sin-free, pain-free life everlasting with Him in eternity. So if I am called by God to glorify Him as a single woman, even though I desire marriage, I know He is not wasting that desire or my small sacrifice in the years I have lived in that tension. He is weaving that into His plan to rescue, redeem, and reclaim His children.

And that's my confidence in extended singleness.

In case you missed any of the shows, you can listen to all three days worth of conversations with this crew here (look for the links in the list of "Recent broadcasts").

Big Monday

Today is big. Not only is the sun back out, melting the ice from our still-vibrant autumn trees, but also Focus on the Family is airing the first of three days of broadcasts just for single women. Last spring Carolyn McCulley, John Fuller, Dr. Dobson and I met in the studio to talk about hope for marriage and practical ways women can help the process. And to try to explain Twitter to Dr. Dobson. True.

Today, the recordings are on air and online. (Though being on the show is still short of my life goal to have Dr. Dobson over for dinner. Maybe this is better.)

Is She Still a Virgin?

A few weeks ago a reader emailed to ask if she could still call herself a virgin. She wrote,

I have not had actual sexual intercourse. However, I have committed sexual sin in my past (I have turned away from it now). The worst of that sexual sin being what I suppose they call "dry sex" (I assume you know what that entails).

The crux of her question: "would I be lying if I still call myself a virgin?"

Though I do answer that in today's Q&A Stop and Start—along with a look at how the enemy uses guilt to keep us sinning, and a reminder of the totality of God's forgiveness—I also toss back my own question in the process. What I want to know is,

Why just stop having dry-sex? Why not also get married and have real, God-ordained, wonderful, married sex? You've got a man you like enough to fool around with. Do you like him enough to marry him?

Read the whole conversation and send your own hard questions for future columns here.

An Even Shorter Short Season

This fall, it only took one week to go from this:

to this:

After a short burst of glorious color and one outing to Pike's Peak, we started passing around a virus with cold-like symptoms and spent the better part of Indian summer indoors. Then yesterday the ice came.

Today's drive to church was eerily lonely and one of the boldest red trees in our neighborhood was laying on the ground like a fallen sentry. (The marks on the trunk suggest there's a car out there with a badly dented fender.) I guess it's good we don't watch much TV—that kept us from knowing about a huge multi-car pileup on the slick interstate last night. If I'd known about it, we probably wouldn't have gone to the early service this morning. But I didn't. And we did.

It was good to be back after so many weeks of someone being too sick to go.

Now we're feeling nearly back to normal and in the mood for lots of this:

What's the weather like where you are?

What About Weight?

Am I too fat to attract a husband? If I lose weight, will men notice me? What if I can't lose weight; am I doomed to life long singleness?

These are a sample of the body questions that seem to occupy the most-often-asked category on Boundless and Women Praying Boldly. I suspect in another era, that honor would have gone to the dowry question: Will my three cows be enough to attract a man? What if father's barn burns again; will my fiance still want me? Will my brothers getting all the wealth make me a spinster?

Thankfully our weight is (a bit) easier to adjust than the count of cattle. But I think it's harder to be single and heavy because it's so personal; so close to our identity. And in our culture, it's easy to assume that a few extra pounds equals no dates. But is it true?

In today's question, one woman writes,

I have struggled with my weight my whole life — losing weight and gaining it back. It has wreaked havoc on my body in the way of sagging skin that cannot be fixed except for surgery. I have always been overweight and despite my efforts to lose weight, I never did reach a healthy weight range according to the Body Mass Index. I try to take care of my body and watch what I'm eating as best as I can but it seems that I will always be overweight and certainly my body will always bear the effects of being overweight.

To which I say,

Does it help to be beautiful and thin when you're hoping to attract a husband? It doesn't hurt. But thankfully, mercifully, it's not essential. And I have many beautiful, thin friends who are still single and wondering, like you, if there's something about them that's keeping them that way.

As God's creation, you are His workmanship. You are beautiful, already. It's just that our culture has twisted the meaning of that word. Getting married isn't about "looking good enough," it's about being fully who God made you to be.

You can read her letter and my complete response in "Can Fat Women Get Married?"

All about Autumn

If you read my Twitter updates you know I'm thrilled that just one day into the new season we've already had two days of snow flurries. Snow! In September! I love Colorado.

Of course it helps me love this freakishly early taste of winter when the forecast for Saturday is warm and sunny. With a predicted high of 76°, it should be perfect weather for a trip to the apple orchard (one of our favorite family traditions). Traditions seem especially important this time of year: playing Peanuts Christmas at the first sign of snowflakes, making hot cider and hot chocolate for drinking by the fireplace, reading as a family after dinner, cutting out paper leaves, collecting real fallen leaves from the grass to press between pieces of wax paper (remember that from preschool?), and relishing the feeling of fleece after so many months of shorts and t-shirts.

Most of our traditions are a continuation of things we did growing up, though a few are new since getting married. How do you celebrate fall? What do you most look forward to in the change of season?

Experiencing the New Normal

Saturday mornings are our time for fun. We start the day with pancakes and lately, a loud dose of Phil Joel's deliberateKids. Churchill, who's been known to utter the words, "where's my microphone?" grabs the paper towel roll,

<p</>Harrison tunes his broom,

or whatever other instrument he can find

and we're off and running.

Last night we went to see the real deal in concert.

The kids were especially pumped to meet the band and shake Mr. Joel's hand. But for Teddy, it was just another outing in pjs. He seemed most interested in the band's luggage.

And putting whatever technological things he could get his hands on into his mouth. Or at least trying.

It was a great show. Loud music to dance to. New friends to make. Air guitars to strum and riffs to mimic.

It was well worth the long drive to Longmont to see the Joel family living their message of deliberately pursuing relationship with God and the abundant life that follows.

Navigating Long Distance Love

On today's Boundless Show the inbox question is from a woman whose friend has set her up with "the perfect man for her." They've started emailing. But she still has a year left on the mission field before coming back to the States. How should she move forward? But that's not all. Presidential impersonator John Morgan has this to say to "Generation Z":

Fun stuff. I didn't hear the conversation about keeping TV from overtaking the better parts of your life but Ashley's description is intriguing:

I don't have a TV in my apartment for the same reason I don't keep ice cream in the fridge: lack of self-control.

I know that when I'm bored or lonely I gravitate toward things that are easy and will let me shut my brain off. Usually food or television. And that kind of eating or watching leaves me feeling guilty and gross.

You can listen to her solution, along with Steve's insights about how we handle the TV question, and my answer to that inbox question on iTunes or at Boundless.

I'd love to hear from you: do you have a TV in your family room? Do you watch? What are your TV confessions?

When Is a Good Time to Have Kids?

Chelsey emailed us the week before her wedding. She wanted to let us know she'd read Start Your Family, and in her words,

We had been unsure about whether or not we would use birth control. I don't want to take the pill, and honestly, we didn't want to use birth control at all, but we are on a limited, though sufficient, income, and we didn't know if it was 'wise.' Your book, along with the wise counsel of our pastor, was such an encouragement.

Recently she wrote again with an update. I asked her if she'd write a version for the blog. And graciously, she agreed. Here's what she had to say,

My husband and I got married in April, almost three years to the day after we started dating. I had been 23 for a month; he was 22.

During our pre-marital counseling, our pastor reiterated what we already wanted so desperately to believe: that God is the giver of life and that whatever our best laid plans may be, He was the one who would ultimately determine when our family should start.

We had talked about wanting to have kids right away with our friends and families, but the word was almost always the same, based on our plans for the future: your early twenties is not a good time to have kids; right after marriage is a not a good time to have kids; when you’re in seminary is not a good time to have kids; when you’re on the mission field is not a good time to have kids. We were left wondering—when is a good time to have kids?

We couldn’t answer that, and neither could anyone else. So we decided that we would let God decide when was a good time for us to start having babies. It didn’t take long to find out. His good timing appears to be sometime next February, which means our ten-week-old son will be celebrating our one-year wedding anniversary along with us.

Since God softened our hearts in this area, there have been times of fear and doubting. Did we make the right decision? Is everything going to turn out OK? In response to these anxieties, God has proven to be the God of Psalm 94:18-19: “When I thought, ‘My foot slips,’ your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.”

What have God’s consolations been for us? He provided me a job the day after we got back from our honeymoon, which has allowed us to build up our savings account. He has us in a church that values family and children. He recently gave my husband a new, better-paying job that will allow me to stay home with our little one.

I don’t know how many children God will ultimately give us, but whatever His plan, we are truly “tasting and seeing that the Lord is good” in allowing us to start our family when He did.

Congratulations Chelsey and Christian. Thank you for letting us rejoice with you!

You Can Leave Him

The question in Monday's Boundless Answers was possibly the most heartbreaking to land in my inbox. I changed some of the details to protect the author's identity, but the gist of what she said was that the man she loves isn't interested in anything more than uncommitted friendship with her. Even though they're having sex. And even though she conceived a child with him and he asked her to have an abortion. She did. Still she can't seem to leave him. Her situation sounds extreme, and it is. But how many of us have stayed in a relationship that's more harmful than good? What is it about our longing for love and marriage that often finds us putting up with things we never should, while going without what's most important?

In the talk I gave at a singles conference on Saturday, I emphasized how essential it is to have daily time for talking with God, praying, reading the Bible, and listening. It's in those intimate conversations that we grow in relationship with Him. And the stronger that relationship is, the more it will spill over into our relationships with other people. That's never more important than when you're considering a husband.

Growing closer to Jesus is the only thing that will help the woman who wrote me break off this most destructive of relationships—the bond sex creates really is that strong. Part of my response to her in "I Can't Leave Him" says,

I ache for you that you have accepted so many of these lies to your own hurt and the destruction of your child, and that you continue to long for a counterfeit. You are right that this guy will never commit. He hasn't, and without the transforming power of Christ, he won't. (Even an appearance of commitment, without a prior commitment to Christ, will be a cruel illusion.)

My advice to you is heartfelt and urgent: Find a godly church whose pastor preaches from the Bible and which offers a healthy community of believers to JOIN. Then do it—join the church. Get into fellowship with other believers. It's impossible to live the Christian life apart from the body of believers. Seek out wise and godly counsel from older women. Confess your sins, repent and turn away from them. Seek forgiveness, restoration and renewal.

The only hope you have for a healthy, godly, fruitful marriage is in relationship with a body of believers and, ultimately, in marriage to a Christ-following man.

An old friend of my read the Q&A and emailed to say,

I doubt that this girl will be able to break it off unless the guy dumps her, hurts her feelings terribly (one wonders, what more could he do?), or she falls in love with another man ... and yes, that man could be Jesus.

Amen. That is my prayer.

Hope for Couples Who Are a Little Behind

Not everyone who hears the Start Your Family message is encouraged by it. We hear from people who've said we're overlooking a biblical call to be childless for the kingdom (more on that in another post), that we're insensitive to infertile couples and that we offer little hope to those couples who already have waited. That last concern came most recently in an email from Stacy. She wrote,

I just wanted to write and say that I read your blog and feel very discouraged. My husband and I are 33 and 35 and we just now feel as though we want to start a family. God has softened both of our hearts towards children just over the past few months after praying for a heart change. Everything you write in your blog is very true and I would encourage the same mindset to couples in their early twenties but what if, as a couple, we have missed that boat?

We are trying to catch it now but reading the information on your blog was disheartening, not to mention polarizing. Even though I’m sure it wasn’t your intention, it made me feel as though we missed God’s call as a Christian couple to start a family when we first got married (27 and 30). And by your standards we were too slow in tying the knot as well. I really think you are doing a good thing but can the couples who are a little behind not at least get a little blurb on your blog?

This blurb is for Stacy. And all the other couples who (like us) got married a little later.

I'm actually really glad to be able to address your concerns and agree that some posts on this subject would be very helpful. I think it's easy to misread our message, especially if you haven't read the whole book (or know our story). We, too, married at the average age of 27 (just a month before turning 27, to be exact) and didn't start to think about babies till we were 28. We have a lot of encouragement in the book for couples like you who have waited.

We wrote to young couples as well, hoping to spare them the heartache many couples face when they wait, but that wasn't the entire purpose of the book. It's our heart to inspire couples to open their hearts to the possibility of children, to extol God as the wonder-working, all powerful savior who opens wombs and blesses us with children. You have every reason to hope that babies will come and I pray that is the case! I'm just sorry you read our message to be a discouragement.

That's the gist of what I emailed back to Stacy. She's awesome. She wrote back to say,

Thank you so much for writing back. I really didn't expect to get a response! I really do not mean to come across as super critical and will admit that I didn't read every single thing on your blog. I just feel remorse that our desire for children is just now happening, you know? I wish I could go back and put in my 27 year old heart what's in there now. I feel so behind and like if I'm not able to conceive, its because I missed what God's intentions were for us at the get-go. I know that God is sovereign and that if He wants us to have healthy children (even 3 or 4!) that we will but in searching for encouragement in the Christian community, I mostly get dismayed.

If, like Stacy and her husband, you got married later or you just decided you weren't ready to have kids back when you first got married, there's still hope. Lots of it. That's a big part of why we're doing what we do.