An Update on the List of Thirty

One of the most encouraging inclusions in Get Married was the story about my friend Sharon's decision to ask 29 of her close friends to join her in dedicated prayer for husbands. The group of 30 agreed to begin in January of 2006. When they started, all of the women were single. Since then, I've periodically checked in with Sharon for an update on how the women are doing. And as of her latest report, sent Sunday, the list of marrieds is growing.

As for the list from what I know from people there are 15 married, 1 engaged and 4 dating. It was fun looking through the list and thinking about all the women and the vastly different stories God has written for all of us. I wish more women could see it and experience it to know there is not just one way to meet a man, that there are still amazing men out there and they are well worth the wait, even if it takes into your thirties. Oh, and there are 5 babies and 1 on the way (as far as I know).

I was encouraged by her update. I hope you will be, too!

Embrace the New Year, Not Your Dance Partner

I love January! I know it's reputedly the time of year when depression is up and cheer is down, but I get giddy thinking about a clean slate and all the new things we're going to try, books we're going to read, experiences we're going to have, relationships we're going to improve, and closets we're going to clean! Not to mention my new pack of Sharpies!

How about you? Do you like planning for the year ahead with long to-do lists, resolutions, or some other system? Or are you a more happy-go-lucky, live-life-as-it-comes-at-you-sort-of-person? You can weigh in here or join the conversation going on over on the Boundless Line.

Speaking of Boundless, today's Q&A is from a woman who loves to dance. Or more accurately, of late she loves being single so she can be sassy with her male friends on and off the dance floor. But that's not something she's particularly proud of. What should she do?

In part, I suggest she take a permanent break from that sort of dancing. I write,

But certain kinds of dancing just make sin so tempting, and easy. The music, the movement, the dark lights, and before you know it, you're acting married, or nearly so — doing things that married couples do in private — with a man who isn't your husband. (And from my experiences with college dances, when the lights go up and you're back in real life, you realize how little you'd want to be married to that man you were so hot and heavy with on the dance floor!)

You can read the whole article, Dirty Dancing, here. Just curious — what advice would you have given?

The Fifth Day of Christmas

I used to sing The Twelve Days of Christmas like any kid, always getting mixed up about the maids-a-milking and lords-a-leaping, after the five-go-old-rings. But I never knew that the first day of Christmas is actually December 26. Till now. I've been reading (and loving) Walter Wangerin's Preparing for Jesus this Advent and Christmas season. The book has a chapter for each day of December and on into January, up until the Twelfth Day of Christmas. Today's reading was about Simeon. If you've never had something to guide you through Advent, this is a wonderful book to consider!

Thanks to the inscription on the inside flap, I know this is my fourth attempt to read the book through. And for the first time, I'm eager, and expecting, to make it to the end. It's not the book's fault, just the busyness that can sap my good intentions!

You know how it is, with all those packages to mail to out-of-town family.

Not to mention all the baking that had to happen before we could mail the packages.

Although, actually, well, ah, those cookies were the ones my sister sent to us. And so it was that we were eating the cookies we were making to send out as gifts as well as the ones we were receiving in the mail.

Somehow we did manage to get enough baking done to fill our bellies as well as those of our loved ones. This year our favorite (and most re-made) cookies were the mint chocolate ones. I was craving peppermint all month long! How about you? What was your favorite baked treat — sweet or salty — that you made or received?

Two Questions, One Party and the Perfect Appetizer

Today's Boundless Answers is for everyone who's dated an adult convert with a bit of an, ahem, past. The questioner writes,

...he's only been saved and living for the Lord for the past several years. He was never completely crazy before that, but he did have a reputation as somewhat of a partier and for always being with a different girl. He's completely changed since then, and as I've only known him for about a year, almost all that I know about him back then is through him. I trust him implicitly and know he's been completely honest about everything.

My problem lies with friends of mine (and my family) who knew him back in the day but haven't since he's changed. They hear we're dating and automatically see it as a problem because of what they knew him as. ...I just don't know how to handle or respond to comments or assumptions made by well-meaning people who don't know better. Especially when it's people whom I respect.

To read my reply, go to "But He's Changed."

In the latest podcast "Wishin' and Hopin' and Being Intentional," we answer another question about dating. This one's from a woman who's wondering how much time she needs to spend getting to know a man before she starts dating him. The key is how you spend your time together rather than how much time you spend.

We're always looking for good inbox questions for the show. If you have one, please email it to Ted at editor@boundless.org. If you act fast, there's still time to be featured on our 100th episode, coming up in just two weeks!

Friday's Boundless party was a hit. Especially Lisa's cheese dip. Ever since I started making hummus (and semi-homemade pita crisps) in my 20s, it's been my go-to appetizer.

Being the perfect starter, I figured why branch out? But Lisa's cheese dip is a close second. Maybe you have a recipe you'd like to place in the running?

December Decisions

Bake cookies for Friday's Boundless staff party, start browsing websites for gifts, make paper crafts, there's so much I love doing to get ready for Christmas that sometimes it's hard to choose! Since today is the deadline for Shutterfly's sale offerings, I think I'll focus on finishing up some photo gifts I started. Here's a screen capture of the September page of the calendar I'm making for Steve's Grandma.

In addition to making Christmas cards, calendars and photo books, I sometimes make homemade hot fudge and bake bread as gifts.

What are you busy with in these early December days? Do you have any suggestions for homemade gifts?

Cake

Of Teddy's first taste of chocolate.

And the response, though tepid at first, was unequivocally YUM!

A Higher Standard

It's bad when guys spend time with you in a way that makes you think they're interested in more than a friendship. Bad because it misleads you and risks putting wear and tear on your heart. Bad because it's defrauding. But what about when the guy doing that is widely-known to be training to be a pastor? I think it's somehow worse. And that's the topic of this week's question and answer, "Curious Flirting," on Boundless. Following on the heels of this Q&A, I received a letter from a man who wants to know if it's possible for women to defraud men. He wrote,

Is it possible for a woman to "defraud a man"? If not, why not, and if so, what does that look like?

Almost all the stories and warnings of "leading people on" (i.e. friendship without intentionality) seem to be geared towards men. Yet it seems to me that the same criteria can apply to women as well.

What do you think?

Is there anything good about waiting?

If you haven't already seen it, I have a new article over on Boundless today that begins: "Recently a local church e-mailed me with an invitation to speak about waiting on God for a husband. I wondered if they had the right person.

"With a book title like Get Married: What Women Can Do to Help it Happen, I'm not exactly known for messages about waiting. Having spent so much of the past few years writing about all the ways we can delay marriage—to our disappointment and frustration—I wasn't sure I had much to say about waiting in a positive light. Is there anything good about waiting for marriage?"

That's the question I pose to myself in today's column, "It's Good to Wait." You can read the whole thing here.

Everyone Has a Role to Play

The third and final part of my conversation with Carolyn McCulley, Dr. Dobson and John Fuller about being single and hoping for marriage is airing today on Focus on the Family. Today we talk about the many roles to be played—by God, parents, women, men, churches, etc.—on the way to marriage. We also talk about the pain, frustration and possible redemption of being single longer than expected.

Carolyn has this to say about it on her blog:

As Dr. Grudem said on Sunday morning at my church, he doesn't know anyone over 50 who has not had a significant trial or affliction. If you live long enough, you will encounter difficulty because it's what happens in a fallen world. But this is not the end of the story. Not only will we experience God's redemptive activity in this life, we have the promise of sin-free, pain-free life everlasting with Him in eternity. So if I am called by God to glorify Him as a single woman, even though I desire marriage, I know He is not wasting that desire or my small sacrifice in the years I have lived in that tension. He is weaving that into His plan to rescue, redeem, and reclaim His children.

And that's my confidence in extended singleness.

In case you missed any of the shows, you can listen to all three days worth of conversations with this crew here (look for the links in the list of "Recent broadcasts").

Big Monday

Today is big. Not only is the sun back out, melting the ice from our still-vibrant autumn trees, but also Focus on the Family is airing the first of three days of broadcasts just for single women. Last spring Carolyn McCulley, John Fuller, Dr. Dobson and I met in the studio to talk about hope for marriage and practical ways women can help the process. And to try to explain Twitter to Dr. Dobson. True.

Today, the recordings are on air and online. (Though being on the show is still short of my life goal to have Dr. Dobson over for dinner. Maybe this is better.)

Is She Still a Virgin?

A few weeks ago a reader emailed to ask if she could still call herself a virgin. She wrote,

I have not had actual sexual intercourse. However, I have committed sexual sin in my past (I have turned away from it now). The worst of that sexual sin being what I suppose they call "dry sex" (I assume you know what that entails).

The crux of her question: "would I be lying if I still call myself a virgin?"

Though I do answer that in today's Q&A Stop and Start—along with a look at how the enemy uses guilt to keep us sinning, and a reminder of the totality of God's forgiveness—I also toss back my own question in the process. What I want to know is,

Why just stop having dry-sex? Why not also get married and have real, God-ordained, wonderful, married sex? You've got a man you like enough to fool around with. Do you like him enough to marry him?

Read the whole conversation and send your own hard questions for future columns here.

An Even Shorter Short Season

This fall, it only took one week to go from this:

to this:

After a short burst of glorious color and one outing to Pike's Peak, we started passing around a virus with cold-like symptoms and spent the better part of Indian summer indoors. Then yesterday the ice came.

Today's drive to church was eerily lonely and one of the boldest red trees in our neighborhood was laying on the ground like a fallen sentry. (The marks on the trunk suggest there's a car out there with a badly dented fender.) I guess it's good we don't watch much TV—that kept us from knowing about a huge multi-car pileup on the slick interstate last night. If I'd known about it, we probably wouldn't have gone to the early service this morning. But I didn't. And we did.

It was good to be back after so many weeks of someone being too sick to go.

Now we're feeling nearly back to normal and in the mood for lots of this:

What's the weather like where you are?

What About Weight?

Am I too fat to attract a husband? If I lose weight, will men notice me? What if I can't lose weight; am I doomed to life long singleness?

These are a sample of the body questions that seem to occupy the most-often-asked category on Boundless and Women Praying Boldly. I suspect in another era, that honor would have gone to the dowry question: Will my three cows be enough to attract a man? What if father's barn burns again; will my fiance still want me? Will my brothers getting all the wealth make me a spinster?

Thankfully our weight is (a bit) easier to adjust than the count of cattle. But I think it's harder to be single and heavy because it's so personal; so close to our identity. And in our culture, it's easy to assume that a few extra pounds equals no dates. But is it true?

In today's question, one woman writes,

I have struggled with my weight my whole life — losing weight and gaining it back. It has wreaked havoc on my body in the way of sagging skin that cannot be fixed except for surgery. I have always been overweight and despite my efforts to lose weight, I never did reach a healthy weight range according to the Body Mass Index. I try to take care of my body and watch what I'm eating as best as I can but it seems that I will always be overweight and certainly my body will always bear the effects of being overweight.

To which I say,

Does it help to be beautiful and thin when you're hoping to attract a husband? It doesn't hurt. But thankfully, mercifully, it's not essential. And I have many beautiful, thin friends who are still single and wondering, like you, if there's something about them that's keeping them that way.

As God's creation, you are His workmanship. You are beautiful, already. It's just that our culture has twisted the meaning of that word. Getting married isn't about "looking good enough," it's about being fully who God made you to be.

You can read her letter and my complete response in "Can Fat Women Get Married?"

All about Autumn

If you read my Twitter updates you know I'm thrilled that just one day into the new season we've already had two days of snow flurries. Snow! In September! I love Colorado.

Of course it helps me love this freakishly early taste of winter when the forecast for Saturday is warm and sunny. With a predicted high of 76°, it should be perfect weather for a trip to the apple orchard (one of our favorite family traditions). Traditions seem especially important this time of year: playing Peanuts Christmas at the first sign of snowflakes, making hot cider and hot chocolate for drinking by the fireplace, reading as a family after dinner, cutting out paper leaves, collecting real fallen leaves from the grass to press between pieces of wax paper (remember that from preschool?), and relishing the feeling of fleece after so many months of shorts and t-shirts.

Most of our traditions are a continuation of things we did growing up, though a few are new since getting married. How do you celebrate fall? What do you most look forward to in the change of season?

Experiencing the New Normal

Saturday mornings are our time for fun. We start the day with pancakes and lately, a loud dose of Phil Joel's deliberateKids. Churchill, who's been known to utter the words, "where's my microphone?" grabs the paper towel roll,

<p</>Harrison tunes his broom,

or whatever other instrument he can find

and we're off and running.

Last night we went to see the real deal in concert.

The kids were especially pumped to meet the band and shake Mr. Joel's hand. But for Teddy, it was just another outing in pjs. He seemed most interested in the band's luggage.

And putting whatever technological things he could get his hands on into his mouth. Or at least trying.

It was a great show. Loud music to dance to. New friends to make. Air guitars to strum and riffs to mimic.

It was well worth the long drive to Longmont to see the Joel family living their message of deliberately pursuing relationship with God and the abundant life that follows.